Calling bullshit on movies. Not once have I walked into a public restroom and found a gun taped to the back of the toilet.
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me: if reality is a simulation then why is it so cruel
also me: i wonder if i can drown this sim in a pot of spaghetti
restaurant owner: you start on monday
me: I can’t wait
restaurant owner: I don’t think this will work out then
1st wise man: I brought gold for the baby
2nd wise man: [hiding frankincense behind his back] actually that gold is from both of us
Good morning you can pee in a cup anytime, not just at the doctors office
If they force me back to the office then they better be ready for the lifestyle I’ve grown accustomed to which is loudly singing the encanto soundtrack that I do not know the words to
At the state fair I realized none of my troubles matter when you dip them in batter
🌓🌎🌞 <– lunar eclipse
🌎🌓🌞 <– solar eclipse
🌎🌞🌗 <– apocalypse
My soulmate will be a man who quietly and without judgement watches me buy yet another new plant without mentioning the dozen he’s already seen me kill that week
I’ve had a lot more interest from women since I’ve been forced to wear a mask and I don’t know how to feel about that.
He: “I’ll catch a grenade for you.”
She: “Prove it.”
He: *Plays Call of Duty*
Okay, I’ll bite, what is “the Beatles”
P Diddy or P Didn’t he?
Pushed a 15 year old dog in a stroller and not once did she ask for Cheerios or a juice box.
Me, on phone with mom, “I’m drinking a glass of rose’ paired with a warm, toasted strawberry crumble.”
Husband, “You’re drinking wine from a box and eating a pop tart.”
Me, finger to my mouth, “Shhhh….”
Please let it be chicken..please let it be chicken
Me: your honor, my client is criminally insane
Judge: you’re representing yourself
if you have over 100 followers there is a secret group of people who meet once a week to throw darts at a picture of your face
*KNOCK KNOCK* OPEN UP ITS THE POLICE
“What do you want?”
YOU’RE UNDER ARRES-
“No.”
..NO??
“No, I don’t want to be.”
*whispers* Shit now what
Autocorrect says I am currently: all out of ducks to give, most of you are full of shot, twitter is overrun by aunts and life is a birch
“These are serious allegations”
You never hear about anyone making hilarious allegations.
With a straight face, my neighbor asked me not to do yardwork when her boyfriend is outside.
So yes, I think they’re in a healthy relationship.
*into earpiece during date*
Ok now maintain eye contact
No not that kind of contact
Bro do not touch her eyes
Get your eye away from hers
Shut up & eat. There are people starving in Abercrombie & Fitch.
My dog pisses on every election sign regardless of political party so I have no idea who he is voting for.
I just want to find a supplement that takes me back to my 22 year old body, skin, and hair. So magic. I’m looking for magic.
Life advice: Your bark may be worse than your bite but you really shouldn’t bark at people either.
Husband: Give me one example.
Me: ALL the times.
Husband: Those don’t count.
me: [throws bouquet]
florist: are you gonna buy something
if you have dark hair you literally can’t get a bob and not look like lord farquaad from shrek. it’s impossible ive tried it so many times.
DAD: *to my brother* Just be yourself.
ME: And me?
DAD: Just be your brother.