Sorry, what did you say? I was staring at my ceiling fan wondering what I would do in a scenario where it fell and helicoptered around my house chasing me
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My ex recently asked me if I wanted to be “Friends with Benefits” which is so psycho like dude I am a woman in her 30s, you can’t ask me something like that….I absolutely do not want new friends.
NEIGHBOR: That’s the best haunted house I’ve seen. Terrifying Halloween decorations!
ME: [scattering body parts in the yard] Halloween?
Friend: I want my funeral to be a celebration of life and not sad or depressing.
Me: Screw that. I want people climbing onto my casket and asking God to take them too.
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: So tell me about your hobbies.
Me: Well I really enjoy minding my own goddamn business.
God: *inventing the elephant* let’s just move all the dials to maximum and see what happens
ME: I’m seeing a little water staining on the ceiling. There must be a leak somewhere.
CONTRACTOR: When are you noticing it most?
ME: When I look up.
School email said if we shop at a certain store a potion will be donated, and that sounds way more exciting than money
I don’t mean to brag but I have the face of someone with a great personality
Why is it called taking a shit and not de-deucing?
Stealing being illegal is why I can’t have nice things.
Those stupid stress balls don’t work!!!… I just ate one, and it got stuck in my throat… And now, I’m more stressed than before!!!
I can’t be the only person who daydreams about licking people
Kids will talk literally all day and then go mute when you try to introduce them to someone.
Of course women need more pockets, where are we supposed to hold all of our grudges?
“You promise you didn’t get me bees again”
[me from a distance] just open it
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot….. I then went inside and spent $447. Brillianty played, IKEA.
I haven’t been this confused about what’s going on since The Cranberries yodeled that one song about zombies.
asked my bf how work was today
My daughter just asked me a math question then proceeded to make motorcycle noises in case you were wondering how homeschooling went this year
Therapist: you’ve finally learned to stand up to people, well done
Me: thank you
Therapist: now you need to pay my bill
Me: no
Cake safety first. Always.
My kids made a toy phone for the baby so he can call his baby friends, and I’m like, come on, be real. He’s a baby. He doesn’t have friends.
Brain: Great workout, here’s some endorphins
Me: Oh nice, I’ll feel good for-
Anxiety: It took you a full minute to figure out the treadmill buttons and I bet people noticed
Me: … that long
Me: This is a weird looking but comfortable toilet!
Masseuse: Sir that’s the hole to put your face in, I – OH DEAR GOD!!
I mean I married my wife for her looks, but not the dirty ones she’s been giving me lately.
Yes I am the only parent at this basketball camp who snickered when the coach said during a drill ‘you need to pound it between each leg split.’
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: 😮 hampire
bert: i want a divorce
wife: are u…
bert: don’t
wife: *holding in laughter* are u sherbert?
Each week our panel of 3 celebrity chefs compete to create the ultimate final meal for a death row inmate on LAST SUPPER, this fall on FOX
“He died doing what he loved…”
I’m not dead
“Interrupting my jokes”