Kid in grocery store walks past me and points “Mommy look, that’s a BIG Mommy!”
It’s called TALL, you little shit.
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You can’t break me, kid. My generation survived dial-up AOL and texting on a flip phone.
Home alone tonight
The fridge is making weird noises
I think the beer wants out….
That f****** terrifying moment when you open your phone with a wet thumb and it starts automatically calling everyone on your contact list.
Omg, do you mind? I’m busy. This dinner isn’t going to peel back plastic, stir and add 3 minutes to itself.
Clown Uber driver:
Get in! We have room for one more.
911: what is your emergency
ME: there’s a fly in my house
911: hang tight sir we’re sending a swat team now
*meeting somebody from Canada*
So, do you work in the maple syrup industry or are you a professional hockey player?
[The Cheesecake Factory]
*looking at menu*
Alan Rickman voice: Turn to page 394.
Crime would drop to 0% if police uniforms were scary clown costumes. “Put your hands up and state your favorite balloon animal!”
I don’t need anything that a fettuccine Alfredo coma can’t cure.
waiter: need help with the menu?
me: yes, what’s this word here
waiter: the name of the restaurant, sir
me: and how is that prepared
Every day Facebook tells me I have memories and wants to show them to me. It’s like they have no appreciation for the cost or the amount of liquor I needed to erase them.
Me: “Your baby looks just like you.”
-“Thank you!”
Me: “Funny you took that as a compliment but ok.”
My kid not only replaced the toilet paper roll but put it on facing the right way, my parenting book is out this fall.
“People keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them”
“By mistake?”
“Not you as well”.
Oh, you work out? Have you tried opening a pomegranate?
From now on when people forcefully show me pictures of their baby, I’m simply going to reply, “Hmm… I’ve seen better.”
Friend: oh my god there’s two of you
My evil clone: I’m the real one, I swear
Me: [remembering I promised I’d go out and socialise tonight] yea she’s right
Age 25: I need cute shoes for this event.
Age 45: I need cute shoes for this event that I can also wear to work and walk several miles in, don’t make me look old or like I’m trying too hard, won’t hurt my little toe or lower back, will last a minimum of 10 years & are on sale.
I bet cats are sad that they don’t have a middle finger.
First of all the thin slices you eat to straighten up the cake don’t count
When I was little, I didn’t care what I wore. I just went along with what my parents chose.
When I look in old photo albums, l realize that they didn’t care either.
My kids teach me something every day. Today my 1-year-old taught me how much plumbers cost per hour. Who flushes a potato?
I wish Gordon Ramsay would get one tattoo so I could take him seriously as a chef.
Why do you guys take your keys out just leave them in the ignition so you’ll never misplace them
Me: *pulls the spider web off my face* ugh gross
Spider: *very hungry* dammit
[walking into a gym]
me: i’m looking to do the least that burns the most calories
Just watched a dog chase its tail for 10 min., thought “damn so easily entertained” then realized I watched a dog chase his tail for 10 min.
Just watched a guy smell his debit card….I have some questions.
Even if I was bitten by a radioactive spider, I’d still be inherently lazy. I wouldn’t be out fighting crime, I’d just be slinging a web to grab some snacks without getting up from the couch.