Me: So what do you do?
Date: I work with animals
Me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* Your job sounds fun
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Dr Mario: you have a tumor
me: two more what
Still haven’t given up on the dream of finding a suitcase full of money on the side of the road.
“See that guy over there? I have to serve him with papers today.”
-Oh really? Why?
“Because I lost my tennis racquet.”
[first date]
*pointing indiscriminately* “uh-oh looks like we’re on the Kiss Cam”
there’s no-
*leans in*
there’s no Kiss Cam at Applebees
Made the decision that I’m done having kids. Yet every morning I wake up and there they are asking me for breakfast.
9yo son: The difference between moms and dads is that when you say “I’m hungry,” moms say “go eat something” and dads say “hi, Hungry, I’m dad.”
Either that loud scream was a patient yelling for help or Fred pulled the string on the bird’s tail for quitting time-
Why my cw hates me
on paper i am not against my neighbour playing piano all the time but it would be very nice if they played anything other than the pirates of the caribbean theme
Things would be so much simpler if everything was as easy as your mom.
We can say “winter is coming” in a normal way again, right? Like it’s been long enough?
I have come up with the most awkward event of all time: the Father-Son wedding dance.
Coffee is ready.
Dentist: Are you sensitive to hot or cold water?
Me: Yes, both
Dentist: okay, I’m just going to blast this industrial high velocity waterpik on your teeth then
You can just start calling yourself an olympic hopeful. You don’t have to fill out a form or anything.
Who chose this font
GUY WHO JUST INVENTED DOORS: Now it’s easy to get inside!
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT LOCKS: But what if it’s *too* easy?
I can’t decide whether or not I should do laundry or just buy another hamper.
Me: GD potholes
My kids: WEEEEEEEEE
ME: [throws bouquet]
FLORIST: i asked you not to do that
I’m unpredictable. Like a dad on a field trip.
{at the dentist}
Hygienist: Let’s just have a look
Me, panicking: I’m so sorry! I used all my dental floss to lace my shoes.
Hygienist: Last time you said you were abducted by aliens who wouldn’t let you floss.
An unintentionally hysterical ad offering proof why ‘branding’ always needs a second pair of eyes.
If you apologize and someone says “you’re fine” they want to kill you
You know you’re in a good relationship when she turns off all the lights so you can sit together by the window and listen to the neighbors fight.
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: Have you considered just letting a homeless man sleep on your couch, instead?
[first day as a server]
guy: “can i order something off-menu?”
me: “well, that is how menus work sir”
If there’s a denim jacket on my doorknob it means I’m having sex with a werewolf.
Top killers of kids in the ’50s.
1. Abandoned refrigerators
2. Failure to duck and cover
3. Tasty lead paint
4. Playing around at the dinner table
I bet the only thing more stressful than defusing a bomb is letting your husband pack for a big trip.