You see some crazy stuff when you’re out late at night smearing raccoon blood on your neighbours windows.
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launch my dead body into space but not too far away. if my calculations are correct, i will win the public pool splash contest in 2076
dog 911: what’s ur emergency?
dog: I JUST ATE CHOCOLATE
dog 911: OMG WAS IT GOOD?
dog: [whimpering]
dog 911: ok ok. go eat some grass
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
The number of supermarket loyalty cards I have suggests I am anything but.
No parent wants to see their child grow up and join a cult or a cable news political panel.
When somebody asks for directions I just say “follow your heart” and drive away.
If my metabolism and serotonin were employees they would have been so fired by now
To their credit, selfie sticks may be the only proof future archaeologists have to dispute the notion cameras grew directly out of our arms
“HONEY, MY TOOTHBRUSH IS MOVING!”
“Has it got ears?”
“YEAH.”
“Tail?”
“YEAH.”
“Is it the dog?”
“I THINK I KNOW THE DIFF–AH IT BIT ME AGAIN!”
Me [proudly]: This is my son. He’s 10, a fine artist & great at math
Nurse: That’s a garbage can & your morphine drip is still attached
Finally, a cream that replaces me with another person
Suit: It says here you’re “dramatic” and “nonsensical”?
Me [forward somersault, grabs resume]: Sorry that’s a typo, it should say “sandpaper pickles”.
me: could my thighs get any bigger? *sits down* me: oh look now they’re the size of Australia
All peanut butter is crunchy if you mix chocolate chips into it.
Nothing scarier than a server who takes multiple orders without writing anything down.
If you’re not supposed to have sex in an elevator, why are the ceilings mirrored?
Now security is showing me out.
BBC crime shows on Netflix:
– Inspector Grimpenchester
– The Hangman’s Ax
– Get Me Bumblry!
– Miss Lettie Pennyfeather’s Detective Concern
Sometimes I’m sandpaper and sometimes I’m chapstick and sometimes I’m bad at metaphors.
My husband texted me while I was at the store and asked me to pick up birthday candles for my own birthday, so guess who’s turning 33 instead of 38 this year because birthday candle numbers don’t lie
brown rice can’t be THAT much better for you, can it? I ask because I don’t like it
As we lie in bed at 4am I know you’re looking at me thinking you’ve struck gold. Your hand reaches towards me and I slap it away from the cheese that just fell onto my chest.
“No” I shout through a mouthful of cold pizza “mine”
A dating app called “Hinder” where some guy shows up in the middle of every date and ruins everything.
I haven’t watered my plants in months and they’re thriving!
-my kid not realizing what moms do
*stirs coffee with knife*
*licks knife*
“Let’s do this”
*wakes kids for school*
Based on my experience with trying to find the restroom at Kohl’s, I would die first in the Hunger Games.
They’re calling the Patriot thing “Deflategate?” I was hoping they’d go with “Ball-o-caust.”
PRO TIP:
Take all those used candy wrappers, put them in a paper towel, squish it into a ball, and then throw it away.That way, your kids won’t know you ate 20 candy bars before any trick or treaters showed up.
Twitter has ruined my chance at a political career.
Thank goodness.
Fans that catch foul balls at baseball games should count as outs. Imagine professional athletes swarming some random dude with mustard on his face to end the 9th inning