A couple of years ago, I convinced my son I don’t know how to clap. He’s been trying to teach me ever since. I’m hoping I can keep this going til I stand up and slow clap during his high school graduation
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Be the chaos you wish to see in the world:
As a kid I taught myself to read. My brother stuck a peanut up his nose so he could be an elephant
He’s married with 3 great kids and a home now & I’m alone on a beanbag with Taco Bell on my 23rd episode of Forensic Files in a row so obvi I’m still the one making better choices
[throws salad into a garden]
Go home boy…you’re free now.
Jesus only had 12 followers, also one sold him out to die and another unfollowed Him right before He died. So I guess I’m not doing too bad.
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you.
ME: Is it because in December I dress my pet pig in red and call it Hamta Claus?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
ME: did it hurt
GIRL AT BAR: did wat hurt
ME: when ur hopes of having a nice uninterupted night out got crushed bc i started talking to u
I hate my job. The work sucks. The people suck. The pay sucks.
*looks up and sees motivational poster on wall*
Well this changes everything
Why is “Dark” spelled with a K, and not a C ?
Because you can’t C in the dark.
How the hell did we sit cross-legged all the time as kids?? I just sat cross-legged to play with the dog for a few minutes and I guess I live down here now because there is no coming back from this.
Sorry, michael00008765348921652. I’ve already found my partner and definitely don’t want to get to know you better.
Writing some Valentines, do girls prefer to be called “slick” or “chief”???
it is my belief that rhinos and hippos are husband and wife
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Santa.”
“Santa who?”
“Santa who has to use the door because you left your fireplace burning, jackass.”
If you love someone just tell them. Or get drunk and text them 75 times, that’s practically the same thing.
I left a small container filled with cheerios outside in my garden for the squirrel begging for food and he stole the container, spilling cheerios all over and I don’t know, was I just robbed?
My neighbour’s toddler just told me I look 20 months old so that made my day.
I’m so out of touch with pop culture. My 5-year-old asked if DJ Marshmello was an actual marshmallow and I had to google it.
A teacher is always just one loud fart away from losing control of a classroom.
Son: What’s for dinner
Me: Tater tots
Son: What else?
Me: Since your mom put an open bag in the freezer backwards so I couldn’t tell it was open and you didn’t sweep the floor like you were told. I’d say dog fur
How to fall downstairs……
Step 1
Step 6
Step 9,10,11,12
My wife just caught me naked FaceTiming someone so can one of you pretend to be a TeleMed urologist?
[Bending down with my hands on my knees]
“Where is your mother?”
~ me to anyone under the age of 30
This might not be true but we have house centipedes so I was looking up how to get rid of them and ppl were like don’t, they’re apex predators so they’ll eat all the other bugs, then the other centipedes and eventually you’ll be left with just one extremely powerful centipede
Saw one of the most deranged Facebook ads of my life yesterday
I wish I loved anything as much as my two year old loves pulling my pants down.
BARTENDER: *wiping a glass* what’ll it be
ME: I’ll have a dirty martini
BARTENDER: *stops wiping glass*
This new sauté pan and I have vastly different definitions of non stick.
I found my 6yo at the dining room table drawing a picture.
Me: “What are you drawing?”
6yo: “I’m making something for my sister.”
Me: “Awww, you are? That’s so nice. What is it?”
6yo: “A sign that says DON’T TOUCH MY STUFF.”
I figured it was too good to be true.
The squirrels are quiet today. Too quiet.