The man who invented PIN numbers and ATM machines has died.
May he RIP in peace.
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this came to me in a vision
Welcome to your fifties, you take the elevator instead of the stairs now and you still pull a muscle.
[home late]
Where were you?
“Uh, with my.. gf?”
Gf? Well, tell us about her! What’s her name?
[commercial on tv] uh.. Lisa.. Brandnewtoyota
Got a phone call and the caller ID said NYC Human. That sure narrows down the list of who it can be doesn’t it?
“Son, do you know why we named you Easter Bunny?”
*sigh*
“Because you don’t b-”
“BECAUSE WE DON’T BELIEVE IN YOU”
SPIDER: But I need my ID
COP: I’m confiscating it
SPER: Damn you
Friend: My husband sets his alarm 30 minutes early so we can cuddle in the morning.
Me: My husband lets me sleep because he values his life.
A mom just told her kids the park is closing so they would leave without throwing fits.
Another mom overheard and said, “Uh-oh, the park is closing! Gotta go!
So I said, “Everyone’s leaving! Let’s follow them out!”
We all winked at each other and got in our cars.
Teamwork.
why they call it sex on the beach and not wavy lays
Dear people that brush your teeth in the bathroom at work: stop that. You don’t live here. Chew gum like the rest of us.
Dr, “So you should continue to eat right, exercise, and get enough sleep.”
Me, “Continue?”
There’s no law that says it has to be night to howl at the moon.
My superpower is destroying the neighbors living room from 100 yards with nothing but her cat and my laser pointer.
Me to me: I’m pretty garbage
Someone complimenting me: You’re so great
Me: You’re absolutely wrongSomeone insulting me: You suck
Me: Listen here you little shit I’m amazing
me: did you hear about the letters “N” and “A”?
him: no
me: they were a-salt-ed
him:
me: a-SALT-
him: leave
Only wearing tennis skirts from now on and frankly disappointed in myself for not thinking of it sooner.
Somewhere Keanu Reeves is sad because he keeps following people on social media and getting blocked because nobody believes it’s him.
When you don’t understand how floors work
The women at the club tonight are so unapproachable. Getting discouraged. Good thing mom is here to tell everyone what a super guy I am.
*sees co-worker outside of work, hisses like a cat*
SpongeBob has such a good life. Make burgers, catch jellyfish, play with friend. I want that. I want that for me. And I would have no problem with disposing of him in order to get it
A jerk is like a bad movie. You know within 5 minutes.
Florida be like…
No I don’t want to ride in a basket beneath your giant flying fire tent.
You gotta hand it to him. Otherwise, we can’t finish this relay race.
The only thing I miss about eating meat is the enticing stickers on the packages. I want an avocado labeled “choice cut” or some prime tofu.
My 6yr old says she’s going to stay up until the New Year, NO MATTER WHAT. She just asked if it was midnight yet, it’s 7:05.
“how would you like your steak prepared?”
i’d like the chefs to work together and try their best and most of all have fun
Fill in the blank song lyric “You are always on my __________”…
Wrong answers only !
I’m so hungover. My sweat is pure tequila. A mosquito landed on me and now I think it’s drunk. It’s texting its ex.