a toddler pointed at me earlier and said “baby” and i nodded. it’s true. i am also a baby. real recognise real
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My niece is pregnant and the fetus already has business cards as a freelance media consultant.
2010’s:
Swallowing a Tide pod2020’s:
Swallowing an Air pod
Me: can you come in here a second?
Boyfriend: is this gonna be a “fun” talk?
Me: not for you
I forgot to pack my perfume, but happened upon some air freshener. Judging by the compliments I’ve gotten, I’m wearing Air Wick from now on.
I threw a dart at a map to pick a vacation spot and shattered the hell out of my phone screen.
What did u do last night?
Me: I drowned my swallows in whiskey
Don’t u mean sorrows?
Me [covering tub of dead birds]: is that the saying?
A Post-It note on every wine bottle at home that just says DON’T CUT YOUR HAIR AGAIN THAT WAS BAD
No one told me about Snapchat filters so all this time I’ve just been taping animals to my face.
He-man has a Masters degree
People think dads are dumb for getting to the airport 5 hours early but it’s only because we saved up several thousand dollars for a couple of beers before the flight. Who’s the dumb one now?
Watching people try to find a lost car in a parking lot is oddly soothing
why just edible underwear? why not an entire edible wardrobe? i wanna eat a parka off my wife before sex
me: tries to sleep.
clock: i think i’m going to karaoke in Morse code now.
“A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer .”
Had I known you were coming I would have baked a cake. Instead you get to watch me decapitate an iguana. You should call ahead.
{at sports arena}
*kiss cam pans to me just as I take a huge bite of a hotdog
Me: *panics and seductively licks mustard off my lips.
Interviewer: What’s your greatest strength?
Incredible Hulk:
Int:
Hulk: Is that a trick question?
Oh, you’ve got a cordless vacuum? Well my house is so small I can vacuum it all from one outlet, so who’s laughing now?
I wonder if Captain America ever borrows money from Captain China.
My husband had an affair in my dream, but I still love him. And if I ever talk to him again, I’ll tell him.
9yo: (mouths off to me)
Me:
Hubs: You’re not doing anything? At least take his iPad away.
Me: Patience
(1 hour later)
9yo: Mom! My iPad’s dead, where’s the charger?
Me: What charger?
Hubs: Nice one.
Me: The voices are telling me to do things again.
Boss: No shit. That’s my voice. You haven’t done a thing since you got here this morning.
If you’ve been talking for 5 minutes straight, it might be someone else’s turn
Killer: *over the phone* I’m watching you
Me: ooh, what am I wearing
Killer:
Me: sorry, what are *you* wearing I’m bad at this
Cutting your own hair is a great thing to do in lockdown, because it can be fun and creative, it saves you money, and it ensures you definitely won’t want to leave the house for several weeks.
I don’t go to high school reunions because Facebook lets me judge my old classmates every day and not just every 10 years
Yeah. Spring cleaning is going well, thanks.
who did the taste test?
My 8 yo has learned how to play Chuck Berry’s “my ding a ling” on the piano. I’m proud and also in hell. Please help.
you (uncultured): Ok.
me (cultured): Othousand.