Me: Thanks for helping me move.
The Rock: No problem. Hey let me grab this box-
Me: NO, DON’T! IT’S FULL OF-
[The Rock gets crushed]
-paper…
You Might Also Like
This Is total BULLSHIT! You can’t even find ACME anvils on ebay.
THIS IS WHY THE ALIENS DON’T TAKE US SERIOUSLY!
My car lease is up and I have to return it back to the dealer today, so I’m practicing jumping out of a moving car.
“You’re saying it’s all an act?
Chewbacca: Indubitably, my good man.
Landlord: The lease said no murders! This is the biggest murder I’ve ever seen.
Crow tenant: *wasted* tell the world, you little shit.
A Doctor’s Guide on Pain Management: “What’s your pain level on a scale of 1-10?”
1 – “Why are you here?”
2
3
4 – “That’s not that bad, you can manage.”
5
6
7 – “You’re exaggerating.”
8
9
10 – “You’re lying.”
If I choke to death on food it better not be anything healthy.
Occasionally I just fall behind on something people are talking about and make a note to catch up when I have time. I’m off work this week and now understand that NYT Connections is not a dating app.
The Human Body Is 90% Water, So Basically We’re Just Cucumbers With Anxiety” – Science Person
if you can’t handle me at my worst, you’re probably that gutless Outback Steakhouse shift manager who called the cops on me last night
I’m a disaster playing scrabble with the kids. I know all these disgusting words.
It’s your fault.
My 61-year-old stepmom loves your product, Mark Zuckerberg.
12yo wants to stay home from school because her foot hurts, like that’s a legit excuse that I didn’t use on my own parents to try to get out of school.
No one wants to talk about Dracula’s defining quality, turning into thousands of bats to avoid human contact.
70% of being married is just wondering which of us is going to benefit from the life insurance.
There’s a serious limit in how much one can take
it’s cool when a dessert has a hint of something, like i’m biting into a tart and suddenly it goes “your wife’s death was not an accident”
Pilot intercom: We are currently 30,000 feet in the air.
Me to my wife: No way there are 15,000 people on this plane.
Wife to flight attendant: Are there any other seats available?
If by “exercise” you mean running down the street chasing the Taco truck , then yes I just exercised.
“I’m not a prude BUT” – you’re a prude
“I hate the drama BUT” – you love the drama
“I’m not sure what you mean BUT” – you know damn well what I mean
Wind chimes:
-loud
-only nice in theory
-secretly hated by allMe:
-wait
-oh no i’m wind chimes
That’s right, I always have subtitles on. Do you know how hard it is to hear anything over the sound of munching snacks?
I made a bunch of “missing” flyers, hoping we can find all the telephone poles that disappeared, but now I have a new problem.
[reading my journal] me: damn what a psycho
[rap battle]
me: orange grorange schmorange blorange
I’m going to bed and my hair looks amazing; I feel like the woman in every mattress commercial.
Imagine your life revolving solely around a napping and snacking schedule and still being mad all the time.
Get it together, toddlers.
All I want is for my kids to have a good sense of humor. They don’t have to be funny, just need to be able to recognize how hilarious I am.
Interviewer: Your resumé says your strength is confidence but your weakness is languages
Me: I think you’ll find it’s pronounced resume
A family that plays together cheats.
Airport Security: Please remove your shoes
Man: Don’t be ridiculous, I’m no terrorist
AS: Sir, do you want to use the bouncy castle or not?