If you don’t swear when you’re driving, you aren’t paying enough attention to the road.
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There is a huge body of evidence to support the notion that me and the police were put on this earth to do extremely different things.
Yes yes your avi is very attractive, but before this goes any further I need to know which streaming services you have passwords to.
When do zombies decide whether they’re gonna eat you or enlist you?
Me: I try not to make snap judgments.
Me (watching someone eat Peeps): You’re disgusting.
Vacation Bible School is a phrase that gets less exciting for kids as each word is introduced
sheep: “why do we all look the same?”
other sheep: “it freaks me out tbh”
another sheep: “i dont even know which one of us is me”
Found out at my Doctor’s appointment that the disturbing voices I’ve been hearing non stop are called children.
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
a psychic on the street just said “why don’t you come in for a reading sweetie” and without a beat I said “no thanks I can’t read” and I bet her psychic intuition didn’t warn her I’d say something that stupid
Adam: Eve, you read the terms and conditions before using that Apple product right?
Eve: Uh yeah, totally
I sure didn’t win the genetic lottery. I can eat healthy and diet for 6 months and lose 10 lbs. I eat like shit for 3 and a quarter days and gain 73
Wife: Go out for breakfast?
Me: Sure!
Wife: Ok, let me shower first.
*showers, dresses & puts on makeup*
Me: Where should we have lunch?
Me: hold on are you—
roommate who just painted a Bansky on our kitchen wall:
Me:—Bob Ross?
Damn girl, are you a desk? Cause I’m not exactly sure how to pick you up
1: Acquire scuba gear. 2: Strap duck decoy to head. 3: Dive in local pond. 4: Enjoy unlimited free bread crumbs.
He was a good dog. He was a beautiful, very good dog. Who was a good dog? Who’s a beautiful, good boy? Was it you? It was.—Dog obituary
Admit it, you’d eat a shoe if it were deep fried and covered in BBQ sauce.
*First Date*
Her: I was worried you might be a convicted serial killer. LOL
Me; HaHa, LOL. No, I was never convicted.
She sells sea shells on the:
A) Shore
B) Shore
C) Shore
D) Shore
ME: I wanna be the very best like no one ever was
Prof Oak: [handing me Pokedex] there are 150-
ME: sorry how much work is this gonna be
A bug on my hood as I’m leaving the driveway. Suddenly I’m the nameless adult in a Disney movie ferrying him away from all he’s ever known.
giving all the dogs in my neighborhood matching sweaters for Christmas so they can be in a gang
[commercial for evaporated milk]
IS YOUR MILK TOO WET?
Does anyone know how to save your game on twitter I’ve been playing for 2 years straight my mom is pissed
My son said he’d do something in a minute.
So far it’s been 185 days, 16 hours & 11 minutes but who’s counting.
Jay-Z is actually the 26th generation of the Jay family, which dates back to the middle-ages, when Jay-A invented rap.
There you go again, overusing big words like some kind of tweeting sesquipedalian.
Idiot.
[day 8 of quarantine]
me: *hiding under the bed* too much family time
monster under the bed: lmao, why do u think im here
me:
monster under my mom’s bed: sweetie where’d you go? we’re gonna play monopoly again
monster under the bed: please don’t tell her im here
We talk a big game for a species that has a favourite cup
Therapist: What’s something you can do to stimulate your mind during this time?
Me: Bank robbery
Therapist: That’s not a crime
Me: I’m out of ideas