My daughter wants a smart car for her 16th birthday. She thinks it will do her geometry homework.
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Good foods can release dopamine which the brain can interpret as attraction and totally unrelated I made you some chicken parm & fried risotto balls & crispy grilled potatoes & baked you this cake. And an apple pie & cookies and I baked you a loaf of bread for no reason at all
If you come up to my bedroom door and find a sock on the knob it means I’m having sex.
Probably with the other sock.
Me: *applying flea treatment* Good boy
Cat: Meow {you’ve made a powerful enemy today}
M: Nearly done now
C: Meow! {oh I’m deffo gonna shit in your shoe}
M: All finished
C: MEOW {and I think a bird’s head in your bed, too}
M: Aw, I love you too, Mr Tiddles
My wife’s online shopping downstairs so I’m upstairs logged on to the same site and deleting everything in her cart.
Made the mistake of dropping my pants when my dentist put on latex gloves.
If I were Amish, I’d have to convert to Pmish cause I’m not a morning person.
A fun thing about having a sandbox outside your house is that you have one inside too.
Welcome to lion taming club, please take a seat. Good, now bring it with you. It is your primary weapon.
To the driver of the truck with the ENVYME vanity plate who took up two spaces and left me nowhere to park: Why would I envy someone with four freshly deflated tires?
I miss the days before the internet, when you didn’t know some person’s every awful thought until they died and you cleaned out their attic.
PILOT: we’ll be experiencing some cabin pressure changes
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: *sits down next to me* so have you thought about going back to school
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
*i maintain solid eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me for eating on the job, as i slowly pull out a chalupa from my coat pocket & begin eating it*
To the company that did an exhausting application and interview process for a job they did not choose me for,
I wish you the bes…eechingly WORST
I did a bad I need to share
I broke a thing they can’t repair
I tried denial I tried despair
But settled on a vacant stare
My kids have the tuition bills of the children of a much wealthier father.
Amazed I’ve never been framed for murder I shed more than a golden retriever
my dream is being pitted against the world’s greatest AI in a writing contest and crafting a story that’s so beautiful that I make the computer cry…
Current beard: Outdoor woodsman
Current body: Indoor couchman
Curiosity didn’t kill that Black Cat. It was Jesus. It crossed his path and Jesus is very sensitive about being crossed.
Working on my new impression, “drummer having a blast.” Keep an eye out for “guitarist who’s really feelin’ it.”
“MOOOOOOMMM!!!”
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
I wish Teachers were treated like pro athletes. Million dollar contracts and tenure bonuses.
Pro model erasers and chalk. Showered with Gatorade when the whole class passes.
Idioms are annoying so I won’t count chickens that cry over spilt milk at the drop of a hat or bark up the wrong apples and oranges tree because at the end of the day, it is what it is, and it ain’t over til the fat lady kills two birds with a piece of cake.
[sitting in dentist’s chair]
Dentist: get out of my living room
At my funeral, take the bouquet and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
Seriously In 20 years time and you’re at a pub quiz and a question starts with
“in what year”
Just answer 2016
wife: Did you work late?
[flashback to me missing my exit because the car in front of me had Shrek on and I wanted to see the ending]
me:Yep
eyes: what’s that
me with eye drops: nothing.