Well, sure, if I was a 22 year old hottie I’d tweet sexy stuff, but I’m a 47 year old married woman with 5 kids. I tweet despair.
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I know this place will prepare my taxes competently–they have a guy dressed as the Statue of Liberty waving at passersby.
-no one ever
My 4 year old daughter is in the tub screaming song requests at Alexa like a drunk divorcee
Based on how much my baby is attracted to bright lights and shiny things you’d think I birthed a moth.
I’m 43 years old, and 1995 was 4 years ago, but 2003 was somehow 30.
They’re playing loud country music outside the liquor store.
Like that’s going to dissuade me.
House 4 Sale: older home w/ character & charm. Lovely bookshelves. Ignore Matthew McConaughey, we don’t know how he got trapped in the wall.
No one has a bigger death wish than a 10yo spying on her older sister while her sister is talking to a boy.
Craving that feeling of immediate regret? Invite someone to your house. Works for me
He rose from mild mannered Social Studies teacher…
To vicious kingpin of a criminal cupcake empire.Coming soon to AMC:
“BAKING BRAD”
As it turns out, if you’re with a group of people, it’s “Christmas caroling.” If you do it alone it’s “creating a public nuisance.”
There’s a Beverly Hills restaurant so hip, it doesn’t have a name just a texture
I went to Costco and now I have massive quantities of all the stuff, except money
Ladies, if you receive flowers with no card on them today they’re from me.
It’s only Canoodling if it’s with an actual Canadian.
Otherwise it’s just store brand noodling.
Our new dog has her first training class today where she will hopefully learn to stop dislocating my shoulder when she sees a squirrel on our walks.
[“Platonic” male friend rams car through my bedroom wall]
I heard you broke up with your girl. You ok? Ready to give men a try now?????????
Dating is easy. You just *goes into fetal position*
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about getting a goat?
me [stops feeding the goat] You would have said no
She went out this morning for milk and lovingly announced upon her return that she’d bought me two donuts, then when I wasn’t looking she unlovingly ate one.
Heard my dog talking to a chipmunk out on the deck, and I’m positive I overheard “nothing much, just getting some air, the whole place smells like wet human”
Sometimes in the ‘special talents’ section of a resume I like to draw a picture of a cat
Him: “Describe what you’re wearing right now”
Me: (in yoga pants I didn’t do yoga in, T-shirt I’ve had on for days w/various food stains, fuzzy socks bc I’m freezing, hair in bun)
“Just out of the shower so tank, panties and no bra”
Him: “So hot”
Me: *resumes eating ice cream
[slides $5 to paramedic]
Me: maybe it takes us too long to get to the hospital & maybe I don’t make it
My 6-year-old walked into the room and said, “Don’t worry, Dad. I’m OK.”
Time to search the house for whatever she destroyed.
someone very mysteriously dumped 3-400 pounds of pasta in the woods in old bridge, nj …… i need to know everything
Having a kid means knowing when she asks to watch Mr. Handsome, she means The Little Mermaid.
This new hand sanitizer is 99.9% effective in reminding me about all of my paper cuts.
I’m ready to talk trash, okay who recycles?
The bathroom stall at a place like Costco really has no business being out of toilet paper.
me: in or out
dog: yep
me: which one
dog: you bet