Detective: Where were you on the night-
Me: Twitter
Detective: Between the hour-
Me: Twitter
Detective: I wasn’t fini-
Me: Twitter
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Me: Do you want to hit the steam room after this?
Leonard the shrimp I work out with: *aggressive shrimp noises*
Me: Christ, it鈥檚 a joke Leonard. Calm down.
The funniest thing about Batman is that he legitimately doesn’t give a shit about crime that happens during the day.
Son: what will happen when I die?
Me [lowers newspaper]: there’ll be a lot of left over sandwiches & then we’ll turn your room into a gym
“I hope this makes them name a radioactive turtle after me” Michelangelo thought as he painted the Sistine Chapel “that would be hella rad”
COWARDLY LION: Give me courage
SCARECROW: Give me a brain
ROB THOMAS: Gimme a heart, make it real or else forget about it
TIN MAN: Oh ok Rob
Me, not making eye contact: Oh shit, I鈥檓 being weird.
Me, making eye contact: Oh shit, I鈥檓 being weird.
cdc: covid lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
You saw nothing. I am ham.
the first person to see a peacock spread his tail probably had a heart attack
My son is screaming his head off in his room but there’s no way I’m going in there if his monster reports are true.
Tried new pain medication, and an hour later 3 penguins in military fatigues walked into the room and told me I need to kill Mussolini’s cat
If dolphins are so smart how come I managed to trick one into investing all its savings in my phoney pyramid scheme?
The only person who listens to me in my house is my dog, and even he pees on the floor sometimes.
Instead of meeting any new people I would much rather un-meet the ones I already know.
I’ve started dressing up as the Grim Reaper when I’m at home because in the marriage guidance counselling I asked my wife how I could change and she said ‘Doom aura round the house’.
I think she said something about listening too.
My neighbors just got new wind chimes. Guess who is going to have their wind chimes stolen tonight?
My grandparents just gave me a mint condition GameCube as a surprise because they know I love video games. They think it鈥檚 new 馃槀馃ズ
Sylvester Stallone is looking more and more like G.I Joe doll put in a microwave on high for twenty minutes
“I love it when we finish each other.”
“You mean: other’s sentences?”
“No.”
[first day working at a duty-free shop]
manager: here’s your list of duties
me: wtf
Underwear…
Because every present needs to be wrapped.
When the cashier at PetSmart asked me for my phone number I said it loud enough for the hot guy behind me in line to hear.
I might have repeated it.
only writing recipes in wordart from now on
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it鈥檇 be a novel. Settle down.
good morning to everyone but especially the cat who stuck her entire paw in my cup of coffee
Parish Council to all moorside residents –
Once again: the nightly screams beyond the high cottages are foxes. They aren’t the result of werewolf activity. Stop spreading this silly idea. This is 2020. You should all know werewolves prefer to strike before their prey screams.
I set my alarm for 3:30 am so I could get up and bark in my dog’s sleeping face. So starts the best day of my life…
3-year-old: Daddy, I love you *hugs me*
Me: I love y- Did you wipe your mouth on my shirt?
Most of fatherhood is just being a good napkin.
Husband: Do you know where I put my lava lamp?
Me: 1970.