Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “My jet pack is in the shop.”
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“I’m in love with the shape of ewe.”
-Ed, shearing
(Arrives in rescue boat to aid sinking cruise ship full of today’s pop artists, saves only Lorde and Sia, speeds away)
customer: I want to buy a chameleon but I don’t see any
me: that’s how good they are
customer: the cage door is open
me: *looking around nervously* oh no
How To Be A Parent
Step 1: have a child
Step 2: your guess is as good as mine
Pee pressure > peer pressure
So according to the news today apparently Facebook is still a thing
I told her, no I don’t want to go to the cleaners, you go do it!
–she did but she took my phone with her.
THERAPIST: You need to find yourself
WALDO: ah crap
wayward son: alright, i’m done, where’s the pizza
kansas: no we said PEACE when-
wayward son: you’re screwing with me right
I often message people with the weird idea that they’ll message me back.
Shout out to whoever scheduled Valentine’s candy to show up just as we’re all giving up on New Year resolutions.
*looks up*
*looks down*
*looks up*
*looks down*
*turns blueprints over*“Shit.”
“You can’t stand there.”
“Not there, either.”
“Nope that spot’s taken, too.”-Ground hogs
People ask if I’m worried about growing a third arm after getting the vaccine and honestly I could use more hands.
If I storm out of a room, there’s a 50% chance I’ll trip over something on my way out.
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re paranoid.”
Me: “My resume has been talking behind my back?”
So Ive started a sarcasm club.
It would mean the world to me if you joined.
You can tell how much it’s going to cost you by the way your teenager sounds:
Mum! = £2 for an ice cream
Muuuum 🙂 = £50 for pointless trainers
Hello mummy, you look pretty today = remortgage the house
So I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
A 16 year old climate activist wins the Nobel Peace Prize and I’m over here explaining to my 9 year old, for the 17th time today, that the hole in his undwerwear goes at the front.
What’s the opposite of mentos?
Lady fingers.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Always use your best photos for your profile on FB.
Cause those are the photos the media will use if something horrible happens to you.
Who puts a banana in their pocket anyway
Told my dog it’s too cold to go for a walk and he just saw one from the window and now I’m a liar.
The card you sent said “Peace on Earth” but the glitter on my hand says you have made a powerful enemy.
Waitress: Here’s the check. You wanna box for that?
Customer: The rest of this sandwich? You want to fight over it here in the diner?
how is everyone so excited about a scary month after *checks notes* like 250 of them in a row
my depression: I’m sad
my anxiety: but why now I’m worried
my depression: nothing to worry about I’m sad for no reason
my anxiety: oh cool but honestly I was just gonna worry anyway
My 7-year-old wrote this joke:
What’s a zombie’s favorite weather?
A brainstorm.I’ve never been more proud.
‘Hit me with your pet shark’ #RuinAn80sSong