I want you to be cuter than you are, but alas I am drunk and you are a tree.
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I’ve reached that age where I don’t have to drink to forget because it just happens naturally now.
I will no longer be calling coffee my addiction because it sounds unhealthy.
My shetland pony was all black and we called him Midnight. His sister was not quite as dark and her name was Eleven Thirty.
Real life: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital one to two days after giving birth
TV shows: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital 30 seconds after giving birth
The Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day
The weird similarities between gold nuggets and chicken nuggets
– come from a pan
– golden color
– get stuck in my throat when I swallow them whole
“STOP COPYING ME!”
I yell, as my car spins out of control.
Scavenger Hunt Party
Give your guests a list of all the things you can’t find and set them loose in your home.
[hit & run crime scene]
me: judging from the treads, it looks like the perp deliberately swerved into the viccop: sir, you can keep referring to yourself in the 3rd person but we have you on tape leaving the scene AND returning
me: criminals, when will they ever learn amirite?
Is that a fresh botox treatment in your face or are you just surprised to see me?
Been noticing lots of dogs in this part of the country that look just like my old dog
He’s a ladies man
“Invisible Woman” just followed me.
I did not see that coming.
Twitter is perfect for extroverted introverts. I want to be social & have lots of friends but I don’t want to leave my house. Or wear pants.
There’s a whole world of people out there!
*closes the door*
“It’s 3am and everyone is asleep. Must run into random rooms as fast as I can and jump on everything” – cats
Me (screaming in baby’s face): EITHER KILL ME OR MAKE ME STRONGER!!!!
[tsunami approaching]
guy: RUN
me: wait why is the T silent
12-year-old: *holds up a poster* This is my school project.
Me: What was your objective?
12: To be done with my school project.
Nailed it.
Him: If they ask you any questions, just play stupid. You know nothing….
Me: Oh, I think I can handle that.
Doctor: Take this medicine. It will help with your condition.
Me: Oh, I don’t know. I don’t like the idea of taking medicine daily.
Doctor: It is also helps with weight loss.
Me: So, how many can I take in a day and still live?
Brain: She’s cute, talk to her…
Me: but what should I say?
Brain: ask her if she likes meat…
Me: What?
Brain: c’mon man, do it…
If you think a dragon is going to solve all your problems you’re probably right.
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
do you guys have PC & cheese? i’m not really a mac guy
God: you’re a pack animal.
Wolf: what does that mean?
God: it means you live with other wolves.
Wolf: like all the time?
God: yep!
Wolf: d-do I have to?
God:
Wolf:
God:
Wolf: [slides $20 across table].
God: [pockets money] you’re a lone wolf.
Wolf: yay : )
I have no idea who is gonna die first in this movie, because everyone is white.
DR DOG: It says you’re here for a blood test. First, some questions. Number one: over the last six months who’s been a good boy?
Someone told me once you can’t keep complaining about something if you’re not gonna do anything about it. But I’ve found that you can, pretty easily.
[After winning an award]
Host: Is there anyone you would like to thank?Me *smiles at my wife and kids in the crowd as I lean into the mic* no
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating