Some people like to stir the pot…
…I prefer to smoke it.
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[kid watching an episode of The Flintstones for the first time]
“They made a show based on vitamins? This is dumb.”
A girl on the bus just batted her eyes at me, but I ducked and they flew out the window.
I pray every night that I never become religious…
Me: Shhh, your brother is still sleeping.
4yo: *runs upstairs
CRASH
JUMP
“Wake up!”
SLAM
*runs back downstairs
“No, he’s not.”
What idiot called it Catfishing your Tinder Contacts and not Playing With Matches
Full confession: I’ve begun taking an hour a week to destress by soaking in tub with bath salts while listening to classical music.
And it would work if that little voice in my head wouldn’t say each time, “This is the exact setup in a movie where someone is violently murdered.”
Shouldn’t Alien vs. Predator just be called Alien vs. Alien?
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
Will no one rid me of this turbulent poodle?
Instagram better not use my cloud pics. THEY’RE MY CLOUDS GET YOUR OWN CLOUDS ZUCKERBERG!
experienced cop: it’s ok kid, you get used to it
millennial rookie cop, retching near murder scene: the coffee you brought was not artisanal
wife: i think the zoo is closing.
me: pff how are they going to make us leave?
(lions roaring in the distance)
Calling bullshit on movies. Not once have I walked into a public restroom and found a gun taped to the back of the toilet.
Hard not to take this personally
Me: *works out entire body a lot*
Arms: Lol no
Abs: Ehhh
Butt: haha what
Thighs: I WILL BE THE LARGEST IN THE UNIVERSE
Whenever I slide down a brontosaurus right into my car, I can’t help but be reminded of the Flintstones intro
Interviewer: “Why do you want to be a librarian?”
Me: “I like telling people to be quiet.”
My kids, when I tell them, “Stop trying to talk over one another. If you each want to tell me something, tell me one at a time, so I can understand you.”
them: do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you god?
me: finger quotes sure
(walks into coworker’s office who has an Echo)
Alexa, what is Pi to a thousand digits?
(walks out)
Me [to my friends]: No one ever invites Gary out because he always has some strange contraption.
*Gary pole vaults past us*
[invention of Moist Towelette]
So, we’ve got a product that everyone will use, now let’s give it a name nobody wants to say
I’m not like all those other girls
*regurgitates a seagull*
Wife: Sarah’s husband gives her flowers EVERY day. I wish you’d do that!
Me: uh ok[next day]
Me *giving Sarah flowers* no I don’t get it either
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: oh wow that was really fast
Telling a child to wipe his hands on the napkin 8 inches in front of him instead of his shirt is a great way to get rid of excess breath.
If you can’t say anything nice, say something funny.
This Coke-Pepsi debate makes me laugh sometimes. It’s frigging cola. Who cares?
Says the guy who is horrified that people like Skippy peanut butter when there’s Jif.