The French cow says MEUX…
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one of my bosses years ago was really into darts and one day she was describing what she liked about the shaft of her favorite brand of darts, monster. then she wanted to show me and I watched, helplessly, as she typed “monster shaft” into the google search bar
I don’t know why hair extensions are exclusive to women, I want to look like a centaur
[changes out of pajama pants with pockets to pajama pants without pockets]
Bedtime.
Establish dominance over your doctor by asking what drugs he’s taking.
*closes door*
“Did you take out the trash?”
“Her name is LINDA, Mom.”
If cops used t-shirt guns instead of handguns they wouldn’t even need to tell criminals to put their hands up.
Saw “45 mins” at the top of a food blog and at this point I just assume that’s how long it will take me to get to the actual recipe
I never chase a man.
I always go for the ones who are too fat to run.
“I’m gonna sneak some candy”, my 4yo announced loudly.
I could tell my beard needed a trim when I started seeing some of the pictures my 6yo was drawing of me.
I lost 800 pounds (7 friends) since i started the keto diet
If the United States ever collapses, the upside is that we can finally use the blue starry part of American flags to make wizard hats.
$120 for a tire rotation? trust me they rotate. buddy how do you think i got here
ok so i’m watching gladiator and the romans are white people with british accents. ok hollywood. alright.
—Interviewer: Do you have any special skill that can benefit our company?
Me:
People in my neighborhood think I’m power walking, but really I’m just trying to get home to poop.
“The Mothership has returned. Gather your things and inform the others.”
It’s six. Six raccoons. Six raccoons is the amount of raccoons that will make me turn around and walk down a different street. Six.
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “Leg day at the gym.”
[wearing a ‘World’s Greatest Dad’ t-shirt while talking to the bartender]
“The younger one is about 8 and the older one is older than 8.”
car salesman: and I’m 95% sure no one has died in the trunk hahaha
me: ok phew haha
*muffled screaming*
car salesman: 100%
[inside fighter jet]
I hate this cd
“change it”
how?
“press eject”
ok
[nothing funny or unexpected happens because they are trained pilots]
Sometimes my sarcasm doesn’t deliver well and people miss the message. Anyway that’s why I’m stabbing you.
911,What’s your emergency?
Me: I think it’s a heart attack
911: Can you call back when you’re sure, we’re watching Walking Dead
“i used to live in india, now I live in indiana”
“is there a difference?”
“na”
Party Cat & Scaredy Cat
Wife to 4yo: How did you get your shirt so dirty?!
4yo: Because lunch.
Pro tip: Always plug in your Christmas lights to see if they work before you untangle them.
My mom is on a road trip to Amish Country with some of my aunts.
Please help me, she’s buying me and my wife gifts.
Can I ask you a question without you getting mad?
-People who are about to piss you off