Me, yelling my head off every day.
14 yo son: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.Pizza delivery driver exhales at front door two floors down from bedroom.
14 yo: Pizza’s here.
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I wish I could get bitten by a radioactive confident person.
As soon as the tide comes in it’s over for you beaches.
I only sleep with my laptop so that if I ever get a boyfriend I’ll be used to sharing the bed
Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride
Doctor: You can’t drink while on these meds.
Me: Wanna bet?
#damn
If you tell your girlfriend you think the girl at in the corner shop fancies you,
you’ll never have to pop out to get bread and milk again
If a gifted child is put up for adoption, is he a regifted child?
Meltdowns are what happens when you compartmentalize your thoughts, but forget to label them.
Me: it is he about whom the prophecy foretold, and for whom we have waited lo these many centuries
Cable guy:
A one night stand where you make it clear you don’t want to see each other again should be called a Humpty Dumpty.
Imagine if batteries screamed in agony when they started to die
Scientists report global context shortage. “I guess I’ll have flan,” some scientist said, totally out of context.
GOD: I call them Water Buffalo
ANGEL: But they live on land
GOD: Yep
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: u really dont care anymore do u
GOD: Not a bit
Hot tip for dog owners:
Be on the lookout for “whale eyes.” If your dog has whale eyes, this is BAD SIGN. That is not your dog, it is a whale pretending to be your dog and you are in IMMEDIATE DANGER
The coolest part of the Bible is where one couple somehow populates the world by having kids from every race and ethnicity.
date: *opening apt door* this is where the murder happens
me: OMG!
date: sorry magic happens haha I always confuse those two
me: phew
date: *locks door behind us* and now to magic you
How does one “schmooze”, and what is it? It sounds like tissue paper may be necessary
Pilot, to passengers: Bit of a…uhhhh…problem on the flight deck…ahhhh…anyone know how much the average woodchuck might be able to…uhhhh…chuck?
Guy who loves tongue twisters: *whispering* It’s my time…
HIM: If you’re upset that people think you’re weird, have you tried being less weird?
ME: [eating ice cream with chopsticks] Yes.
I’m a married white male; my forefathers saw to it that I’m not allowed to be offended by anything.
i forgot to mention those pills i gave you might turn you into a sloth
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
“ok”
8am: plain egg whites
1pm: greek yogurt
6pm: grilled chicken / mixed veggies
12am: every damn snack on earth
The only appropriate time to ask a woman if she’s pregnant is when you see her peeing on a stick.
i will not order eggs in a restaurant unless the chef personally lays them
At my parent’s house, or as I like to call it, the world’s most judgmental self-service laundromat.
Nothing says disinterest more than The Flash being late for a Justice League meeting
This entire pizza told me thigh gaps are for queers.
[Meeting]
CEO: as u can see [points to graph w laser] we-
BUSINESS CAT:[comes flying across table & just crashes right into a photocopier]
*comes outside months after coronavirus is done*
FRIEND: You didn’t have to quarantine that long.
ME: There’s been quarantines?