“Mommy never mind I’ll ask you later when you’re not scooping the phone out of the toilet.”
– My current favorite child
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DICKENS: I’ve got writers block… I’ll have a martini, Bob.
BARTENDER: Olive or twist?
DICKENS: *looks into camera*
OK hear me out on this: a baseball throwing machine, but instead, it shoots out pancakes that you catch with your mouth. 😋
My inner monologue 90% of the time: “I don’t get it.”
I did my three minute river dance routine outside his bedroom window and my hot neighbor still doesn’t want to date me
This is bullshit
Husband: *texting me* Any chance we can skip that dinner party tonight?
Me: *already in my pajamas* If that’s what you really want.
“Why didn’t any of you go back and kill Hitler?”
TIME TRAVELER: We prioritized stopping Zortho the Endless Scourge in 1935.
“Who?”
TT: Bingo
And here I am – not at Coachella – again. Thank the gods.
If you’re bringing a kid to my house, it better be a baby goat.
Twitter :
Where all the really weird kids at school who had no friends now have 7,913 of even weirder ones
Just sayin’ cowboys are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between cows and boys.
I bet dogs at parties get tired of being singled out by socially awkward humans.
We’re out of duct tape, craft glue, and frozen orange juice because I made a sandwich while I was drunk last night.
I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot yesterday…
it caused severe pain…
to… ma… toes…
you’re fasting for lent, I’m furiousing for lent; we are not the same
I use the Toy Story defense when I go out in public. When someone sees me, I just freeze and hope they don’t figure out I’m a real person
{keeps yelling HIT ME at a tarot card reading}
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was taking my sports bra off.
They got a point!
*points at your toddler
So does it know any tricks yet?
I will raise my son to treat your daughters like spoiled princesses, but only if you don’t raise your daughters to think they are. Deal?
Sometimes I think there is no hope for us 🥴
High heels are beautiful and sexy until you wear them for 5 minutes and want to throw them against a wall.
Arrange marriage are scary. What if my husband doesn’t like my boyfriend? 🙄
If you listen to 3 or more Sheryl Crow songs, that’s a murder
Herbal tea…for when you want to drink some scented hot water.
Argentina is surprisingly cold. In fact it’s bordering on Chile.
[giving grandmother’s eulogy]
But on the plus side, that’s the fastest she ever got down the stairs.
Doing best/worst parts of our day at dinner w 3yo:
Him: The best part of my day was-
Me (Came into his preschool class to read to them today): yeah?
Him: Watching TV.
Me: Oh, ok.
Him: Wait! No! I just remembered!
Me: yeah???
Him: When I got the ketchup from the fridge.
When my wife and I started dating she’d jokingly tell me “Go play in traffic”. Now when she says it, she opens my car door while driving on the freeway.
“You say you like intelligent men? Then look no further! Line forms to the….”
*Checks soles of both my shoes*
“….left, ladies.”