Not to brag but my son’s friend said “Your dad looks hot” when I was cleaning the pool. She followed with “Is that heat stroke?” but still.
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NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: be mysterious
[ next day ]
her: hello
me: i’m in the witness protection program
Been walking like an Egyptian and need to visit a Cairopractor.
Growing up was a huge mistake
*me carrying in all of the groceries
Wife: I feel bad, I don’t have anything
Me: You always have me
Wife: See what I’m saying
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
Imagine being held hostage for an entire video game and when your rescuer finally gets to you they were like, “Sorry it took so long, I had to find a special hat and help some villagers collect blueberries.”
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: they give us oxygen. Also cats like to climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: they cannot
Using Romeo & Juliet to express how inlove you are is like using Hamlet to show how close and well adjusted your family life is.
Me: guess who I bumped into at the store
My wife: [holding my glasses] everyone
yes, i’m outside playing, mom!!
Grandma confused about Tide Pods “kids these days eating those podcasts”….
I ate the worst cake of my life today, but then again that must have been why it was free at the urinal.
The strongest muscle in the human body is the tongue. Keep that in mind next time you find yourself in a scuffle.
I’m sorry, this suitcase is overweight. You’re gonna have to take some stuff out and put it in a different bag so the plane doesn’t crash.
why is it called godzilla vs kong instead of when hairy met scaly
When I’m good I’m great. When I’m not good I’m the piano falling out of the window of people
May you have the confidence and independence of my 5yo, who sneezes and says, “Bless you, me!”
[father and son riding bikes together]
dad, how’d you get so good?
[doing a wheelie] I’ve had a lot of DUIs
WIFE: COME AND GET RID OF THIS SPIDER
ME to spider: I told you, you’ll get your money. Leave my family out of this
SPIDER: you’ve got 2days
Hugs not drugs. Except, yes drugs and why are you touching me?
The fastest land animal is a cheetah, the fastest bird is a peregrine falcon, and the fastest human is my Mom when anyone tags me in anything on Facebook
OFFICER DOWN I REPEAT WE HAVE AN OFFICER DOWN. I’m fine just down for whatever. Dancing or something fun.
I’m so dehydrated I could dry out a phone faster than a bowl of rice.
The scariest part of Psycho is when she gets in the shower and THEN turns it on.
Pros of hiring me as a vet:
– Hard-working
– Experienced
– Reasonable pricesCons:
– Have been dubbed “The Horse Murderer” by the press
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not a bowl of mashed potatoes.
My son couldn’t remember his head injury from the other day. That’s either a very good sign or a very bad sign.
Meet your new stalker! The good news is I’m middle aged and very lazy. You’ll hardly notice I’m here.
Her: Are you getting off early today?
Me: THAT HAPPENED ONE TIME!