Alicia Keys: 🎶 I keep on fallin’ 🎵
Me: *strategically positions pillows around Alicia*
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I asked Mom how she’d like me to honor her when the time came.
She replied, “What makes you think I’m going out first?”
Me: Do you have homework?
11: Do you know that the world is 23.3 trillion dollars in debt?
me: *using chocolate coins as currency*
clerk: those are not legal tender
me: tender? buddy, these will melt in your mouth
ME What’s a penguins favourite relative? Aunt Arctica!
PENGUIN . .
ME [makes flies over head motion]
PENGUIN I don’t know what that means
i slap your apartment floor and ask you what year it was made. you don’t understand so i do exactly the same thing again
I mean, really though, who hasn’t seen a UFO at this point?
My husband asked me to put him to sleep with a happy ending…
*reads a book “and they lived happily ever after”
Mmmm yeah, you like that?
My daughter wrote a poem in school about where’s she’s from and she wrote I come from my siblings and I being called tiny dancers and children of the corn so I’ll just be outside waiting for cps.
I thought it would be good for the environment if I had less grass to waste water on so I put a pool in.
Me: intuitive eating is easy. It’s all about listening to your body
My body: I’m begging you…eat a vegetable….please
Me: what’s that? More cheese?
*walks into your house*
*sees doll collection*
*backs out slowly lest the dolls notice me and decide to attack*
[at restaurant]
Gorgeous hostess: Happy Valentine’s Day! How many?
Me: Just one, thanks.
Wife (clears throat): Two.
If I get on an empty elevator and I see a group of people coming, I will hit the close door button 27 times in 3 seconds.
[at haunted house, as the walls bleed and screams echo through the hallways]
oh cool. our cycles are synced.
I don’t follow washing instructions, you’re my clothes you don’t tell me what to do
Alien: did you just call me daddy
Me: I don’t get probed much
What idiot called it the road to Bethlehem instead of the highway to the manger zone?
If I won the lottery, I wouldn’t go nuts. Probably buy some printer ink, and with what was left over, maybe an avocado.
*son walks in as mom hides her urban dictionary word-of-the-day calendar*
Mom: How was school?
Son: ok
Mom: Had a real trill lunch with Nona
@funTweeters thanks so much!! 😘
OMINOUS CHANTING
*pentagram starts to glow*
YES! RISE DARK LORD! RISE!
*Satan tosses pillow through portal*
UNGH 5 MORE MINUTES!!!
I suffer from premature procrastination. It’s when you procrastinate before even receiving a task…
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
[to hot girl at bus stop as bus approaches]
“I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.”
chasing after a ping pong ball is wildly dehumanizing
“just a suggestion :)” is the most passive aggressive aside of all time. here’s my cute little suggestion cloaked in invisible knives
Last week a friend told me she’s looking forward to her toddler turning 3 because she’s tired of the defiant stage. I’m still laughing.
Dancing naked and the neighbors saw me.
*adds pineapple to your lasagna*