When you text “Hugs” to someone and autocorrect decides what they really need is a lesson in particle physics and changes it to “Higgs”.
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Let me tell you how you lost this game according to these rules I’ve just made up.
-Kids when you play board games together.
I don’t care who dies in the movie but it better not be the dog.
[In meeting]
Boss: any comments?
Me: I wish I was drunk right now.
Dog pissed about wearing cone after surgery. Dog spends night banging cone against walls, keeping human awake.
Dog-1
Human-0
It wasn’t no corona till y’all started balancing brooms in the house, y’all let the devil in
Parenting talk translated.
“Come on you’re very tired, you need to get to bed.”
Actually means:
“Come on, I’m very tired, you need to get to bed.”
It’s fine when Santa does it, but when I see you when you’re sleeping & know when you’re awake it’s “creepy” and “sir, you’re under arrest”
A hangover so good you crawl out of the bedroom naked and sleep for 6 more hours on the kitchen floor.
‘I don’t know, man…that deer could have rabies.’
~nervous tics
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
[trying to do standup]
u kno whats funy–
[someone yells ‘society!’]
nno–
[entire audience starts laughig]
wait
[audience laughs louder]
stop
Every Political Ad Ever:
I’m a rich guy who’s not like the other rich guy he’s a total douche.
*Paid for by my rich guy friends*
You know what they say about a guy with big hands?
He can carry more cheeseburgers.
ALBUS: It’s a Time-Turner! We can travel back in time and change ANYTHING.
SNAPE: That’s amazing. We can save-
ALBUS: Nah, gave it to a kid.
anyone know what happened at the 2nd noel?
I love you…
…r dog.
her: the moon is so romantic tonight
me: how
the moon: [brushes hair behind my ear] hey
me: h-[blushing] hey
Vader: “I am your father.”
Luke: “I am your father.”
Vader: “Stop copying me.”
Luke: “Stop copying me.”
Vader: “Shut up.”
Luke: “Shut up.”
[Commercial for the Pogo Stick]
Have you ever seen the inside of an E.R.? Want to?
i remember as a kid being like “Wow as an adult i’ll be able to buy as much candy as i want whenever i want” which turned out to be completely true and as amazing as i imagined
Me: Whats the best thing on the menu?
Waiter: The cheesebur-
Me: WRONG!
*points to the picture I drew on it of Ironman fighting Darth Vader*
Physics Teacher: What is
this measurable unit “µ”
called? Student : Torrent
Don’t ask a pregnant lady “do you know the sex?” obviously she knows about sex she’s pregnant you stupid idiot
THE INVENTOR OF KUNG FU FIGHTING: what if I told you that you could be fast as lightning and just a little bit frightening
5 years ago when ‘House of Cards’ started we said, ‘That’s so scary.’ Now Trump is here and we’re like, ‘hahaha, House of Cards is adorable’
the difference between cupcakes and your opinion is that I asked for cupcakes
I’m gonna be upset when HBO starts killing off Sesame Street characters one by one Game Of Thrones style.
so yesterday i gave my number to a cute guy in the dining hall… LMFAOOO
In a parallel universe nobody can park.