Can’t believe todays Wordle was UPDOG.
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Waitress: Is everything ok?
Me: WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD?
Let’s bring back the word HOOTENANNY
I’m lost & peeing on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere, just wish this bear who’s about to kill me gave me a little more privacy
My favorite thing about all the people waiting in line for the new iPhones is for those hours the rest of the world is a better place.
How do I tell someone respectfully to die in a fire?
Shout out to politicians for keeping the word “folks” alive.
Think you’re a tough guy?
Go eat a package of Oreos in the middle of a crowded gym.
me: the good news is I got the job. the bad news is I have to wear a suit
her: that’s not so bad
[next day]
me: *putting on a hotdog outfit* wish me luckher: I see
Colleague: Quick, the boss is on her way!
Me: That’s weird I swear that I didn’t hear her broomstick!
You know it’s time for a pedicure when you can exfoliate one foot with the other one
Waking up would be much easier if I didn’t have to do it so many days in a row.
🎵If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my gourds🎵
~ The Pumpkin Spice Girls
*stands over dads casket*
“Mom isn’t doing well, dad.”
*puts hand on dad’s shoulder*
“You need to stop building caskets. It’s creepy.”
Hurricane Facebook Events are back y’all
I never knew so many people named their kids after numbers until Twitter
netflix is definitely the most insecure of all the streaming services like be chill bb.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘sarcasm’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Ooooo I would love to
Mom, can you take us to the maul?
-teen bears, probably
My Christmas shopping will be financed by my swear jar again this year.
I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.
My friends are fully aware that our designated meeting times are rough estimates.
911: what is your emergency
ME: there’s a fly in my house
911: hang tight sir we’re sending a swat team now
I’m keeping an eye on the cult headquarters, call that compound interest
I’ve never been on Jeopardy, but I have put a 4yo to bed, so I know what it’s like to be asked about things you never even heard of.
JESUS: [walks on water]
JUDAS: Actually, the body is 60% water so it’s only 40% miracle
JESUS: You’re killing me, Judas
JUDAS: Actually..
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
Spice girls: tell me what you want, what you really, really want
Me: I want all conditioner bottles to say NOT SHAMPOO in big red letters
When I sit down and the toilet seat is warm, I like to imagine someone rubbed a freshly baked loaf of bread on it.
Don’t ruin this for me!
The worst thing about having poison ivy on my face is that I can’t shave.
The second worst thing is people asking me what kind of craft beer I make.
Don’t become a scientist y’all, it’s a trap.
When it works, you gotta do more experiments.
When it doesn’t work, you gotta do more experiments.