when someone is in a Christmas eve panic, I always find that “well maybe you should have thought of that sooner” is a helpful phrase
You Might Also Like
I just can’t watch football, there’s too much “penetration in the backfield” for me to not giggle like an immature maniac.
Me: Everyone has that one restaurant they’re embarrassed to walk into when it’s daylight
Taco Bell employee, from across the street: Hey Adam!
Me: *runs away*
[Ex-hot dog vendor, first day as a surgeon]
Me: Nurse, my good tongs, and 3 units of ketchup, STAT
Nurse: *just staring at my paper hat*
Just bought a telescope and the eldest asked if I’d be doing horoscopes.
Yes.
Leo: You will be written out of someone’s will.
I’m working on a movie about the life of Pennywise the clown after he quits killing kids to pursue a career in sticky notes called: Post-It
I still close the bathroom door when I’m home alone bc I don’t want the murderer to break in and see me on the toilet.
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
Part of me says I should slow down on the drinking. The other part says, “Don’t listen to him, he’s drunk.”
SHAGGY: what did the vet say you have
SCOOBY DOO: rabies
SHAGGY: zoinks i didn’t even know you could get pregnant
[friends chatting in back of my car]
“im good at impressions”
how good?
“watch”
in satnav voice: “turn left”
[i drive us clean off a bridge]
“Joe Biden and I are so close, some places in Indiana refuse to serve us pizza.” – President Obama
Farmer: Netflix and till
Moonshiner: Netflix and still
Estate planner: Netflix and will
Dentist: Netflix and drill
Attorney: Netflix and bill
Mountaineer: Netflix and hill
Doctor: Netflix and ill
Pharmacist: Netflix and pill
Jack: Netflix and Jill
Fun prank:
Ladies, if your man ever asks “who’s your daddy?” During sex, throw him off by screaming “You’re not my real dad!”
Shout out to the top 5 suits in the world, 3-piece, zoot, swim, law and birthday.
i have one speed and it’s mosey
You’re technically never cheated on you were just in a surprise polyamorous relationship
A spider crawled across my leg while I was driving and of course that fucker survived the crash.
“That seems like a you problem” was my favorite comeback until my 5 yo said it to me
*Robber runs into Chipotle*
GIMME THE MONEY IN THE REGISTER
“Is this for here or to go?”
Uh. To go
“Do you want guac?”
Sure
“It’s extra”
Dis earing letters?
There’s an ‘app’ for that.
Who blons a dumb de now, eh? WHO BLONS A DUMB DE NOW?
Yes!
Great!
Bravo!
Hurrah!
Yippee!
Cheers!
Hooray!
Rah Rah!
Woo Hoo!
Whoopee!
Awesome!– Excerpt from “Fifty Shades of Yay!”
2 things I hate;
1)Hypocrites
2)and people who don’t finish anyth
“Mr. Trump how will you beat Hillary Clinton?”
TRUMP: I’ll win NY, Florida, Ohio, we’re going to add states, Gerzona, Timbaland, Waterworld
Her: I swear this car is jinxed. Every time I drive more than 10 miles something goes wrong
Car sputters as it runs out of gas
Looking at my incredulous face: See what I mean?
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused treadmill from 1981.
horror movie
– but it’s just her throwing on the hallmark channel after handcuffing me to the bedposts
Kids are like I know this paper heart is from a ripped burrito wrapper I picked out of the gutter but it reminds me of you and you must keep it forever and ever till you die.
People: “You look so unapproachable”
Me: “And yet,here you are”
How to be a beautiful woman*:
– Breathe fire
– have a 30 feet long wingspan
– keep your scales acid shiny
– sharpen your claws*Awesome dragon