I told him I like a big vocabulary and now he won’t stop using 72pt font.
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I’m so lazy that I’ll break my tooth trying to get this tag off before I get up and get a scissor.
who called it a motorhome and not a casa roll
[people leaving the reading of my last will and testament]
why did he have so many tamagotchis
REASONS TO BRING BACK DRAGONS
• can cook your toast
• would be a warm and wholesome nap partner
• riding one + your cloak fluttering behind you is epic
• they can scream companionably with you
• if you’re losing an argument, your dragon can just eat the person
Finding out how big of a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles fan I truly am was understandably pretty tough for my daughters, Raphael & Leonardo.
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
………GO TO HELL!!
me, to my wife: calm down and smile more
Stockbroker: *rubbing bridge of nose* that’s not what I meant by ‘take risks’
I’m in pretty decent shape for a dude who was in a serious car accident and spent the last six weeks recovering in a hospital bed. That didn’t happen to me–it’s just a good yardstick for the kind of shape I’m in.
If my neighbor doesn’t want to hear my enthusiastic singing, why is she blasting Celine Dion at 2AM
on a scale of 1 to eating cereal out of a bundt cake pan with a melon baller, how lazy are you about washing dishes on the weekends?
Atheists are Popeless romantics.
I’m so white when I eat sushi they just bring me a fork they don’t even ask
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
Someone told me they got a futon instead of a couch/chair because they wanted their furniture to be versatile.
You can use it for sitting AND lying down?
That’s cool, bro.
My chair can be used for sitting and lion taming.
What’s the best motorcycle for cardio? I’m trying to get into biking for exercise.
Umbrage is like regular brage, but um…
detective: take him away boys
video: *being dragged away* I DIDNT KILL THE RADIO STAR. I WAS FRAMED
YouTube: *flicks cigarette* the plan is going perfectly
“none of your ridiculous drink recipes tonight, ok dan?”
I promise
[later]
*stuffing flatbread into blender* WHO WANTS A PITA COLADA
In an alternate universe there is only one movie about falling in love, but thousands about swapping faces with John Travolta.
Hi everyone, welcome to Motorboat Club. Let’s get started on some sailing basics.
*Man in back row throws brochure on ground and storms out*
If you pour two beers in one glass, it’s just one beer.
My cat didn’t get me a Father’s Day card and things are a little tense around here right now.
shout out to anyone that’s used a tube of super glue more than once
We need to bring back house parties in a big way. There is something so special about talking to a guy on a couch
me: (texting boss) we still on for work today?
boss: yes. you dont have to text me this every morning. we’re “on” for work every day mon-fri
Every guy feels macho in his car. Until he races a woman who’s late for something.
Cop: Anything you say can and will be held against you.
Me: SCARLETT JOHANSSON
[Wedding Open Bar in my 20s]
Woohoo! Imma get sooo wasted!![Wedding Open Bar in my 40s]
Woohoo! Imma save maybe $11!
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs… I’ve been his customer for 6 years… I had no idea he was a barber.
I really was gonna jog at the park today….but I just found an empty park bench so I’ll just have a few smokes and cheer the joggers on.