me: it’s weird how you follow me to the bathroom
dog: it’s weird how you follow *me* to the bathroom
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Spiderman, Spiderman/
Does whatever a spider can/
Attends college/
Works as a photographer/
Just like a spider
a self-checkout line with 0 mirrors what a joke
Me: ‘Can I offer you something to drink?’
Waiter: ‘I’m sorry?’
Me: ‘I know, it’s weird right? Now you try.’
Michelangelo: Why are you naked?
Me: How else are you going to sculpt me like you did David?
Michelangelo: Dude, I’m a ninja turtle!
Employers are right when they say their workplace is like family. They’ll give you endless trauma and then blame you for being mentally ill.
You Can Either Verify Whether This Inspirational Story Is True Or Share It Now And Reap The Precious Social Capital
Me: *eating turkey*
Cartographer: My work!
How is a guy supposed to take a nap in his car during lunch hour if people keep knocking on the window saying things like “are you ok?” and “you’re rolling down a hill.”
I don’t know who needs to hear this but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them
Body: we’re exhausted. We’re going to fall asleep so easily.
Brain: you adorable idiot.
If you wrap yourself up in a blanket, you can show up to work late and say you were just rescued by the Coast Guard.
To the teenager that flipped me off for honking at you. Your phone is on top of your car.
“I love you but I don’t trust you,” I say to my dog as I put cheese and crackers on the table.
My neighbor just snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a dead body is not as easy as you think.
I had a friend call to say they’re on their way over. I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough to tell them I’m not home after I told them I was home when I answered the call.
The moral of the story? Don’t answer the phone. Ever.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *stops sculpting a Lionel Richie head* Nope. What’s up?
People who forget to eat are amazing to me. I miss one meal and I’m burning bridges with immediate family members. I miss two that’s organ failure, total body and mind shutdown by the end of one calendar day
Friend: I’m getting married
Me: OMG, I’m so sorry. How long do you have?
[First date]
Him: What’s your favorite dish?
Me: The one that holds the most food.
wife: what time is it
me, trying to set the world record for longest anyone has gone without bending their elbows: you know I can’t see my watch
It’s amazing how a simple act of kindness can change my bad mood into a suspicious bad mood.
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by saying they look tired.
boss: can you fit me into your schedule
me: schMEdule
Relationships are like houseplants, if they’re mine they die
Prom tip: DON’T HAVE A BABY
Sorry I said “it’s probably burning him” as your baby cried during his christening.
[first person to dance] what’s happening to my extremities
Nobody runs faster than a 4 year old holding your iPhone.
Marriage is the leading cause of Irreconcilable Differences.
Accidentally went to Rouge One instead of Rogue One. Boy is my face red.