GROCER: slide your card
ME: it didn’t work
GROCER: does it have a chip?
ME: *puts hand over pringle in my pocket I was saving for later* no
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I don’t understand how God can have Ten Commandments for the whole world, and my wife can have 152 just for our house.
ME: *tells joke*
WIFE: ugh, that was funny in middle school
[later]
ME [at a local middle school]: so have you all heard the one about th
Who said Humpty Dumpty was an egg at any point in that little song! The artist just sat there like “lol i’m gonna f*** with them and draw him as an egg”
every time I try to lay down for a bit it’s someone in a group text’s birthday
Do your friends know that you’re asking people on Twitter about their issues?
-Asking for a friend.
“If you build a lasagna, I will come.”
– Garfield of Dreams
me, turning into a werewolf: get out of here. it’s not safe
girl: [holding a tennis ball behind back] i think i’ll b fine lmao
Hey! Welcome to Urban Outfitters. Are you a baby-sized woman or a woman-sized man?
Jesus: this is my body
disciples: *eat bread*
Jesus: this is my blood
disciples: *drink wine*
Jesus: I also made brownies
Judas: but I have diabetes
Jesus: huh. Well, isn’t this a shame *holds eye contact while eating a brownie* shame, shame, shame
[Taken 26]
Abductor: I have your great granddaughter
LIAM NEESON: I literally died 12 years ago
I still can’t believe it when someone in the bathroom stall next to me is talking on the phone
I mean, who TALKS on the phone
Police on bikes arresting someone:
“You’re under arrest. Get in the basket”
My dog has been looking for a spot to shit since 1958.
Everyone “I learned a lesson ”
Me: “Imma do it again!”
How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?
No pants were worn during the making of this tweet.
MURDERER *panicking as he’s stabbing an acupuncturist* you’re just getting stronger
Me: Hey Mr. DJ, do you take requests?
Dj: Yes.
M: Excellent, can you turn it down a bit.
What the fire inspector sees when he opens my office closet.
[aliens talking]
“They call it a sel-fee”
A photograph of oneself?
“Sometimes several”
But why?
“We have one theory”
Go on
“They’re idiots”
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a ‘closed’ sign on a pizzeria door.
Wife: What do you think our song is?
Me: I’d have to say “Happy Birthday”. It’s the song we’ve sung together the most.
Wife: Idiot…
“Dadd-”
“No.”
“You don’t even know what I was going to say!”
“You’re wearing your Superman costume and standing beside the ladder. No.”
Took my toddler for a long walk like a goddamned super mom…lost his stroller in the creek like the mom I actually am.
I hate when I lose an argument and then seventeen years later I think up a witty come back.
Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.
This, like, never happens.
me: how was your day
5: my day was horrible! i wanted to stay home but you made me go to school so i went! but then i went to the library and got a book, and made a book mark. it was great!
Cooking/baking shows need a normal guy in the corner for context
Everything else would seem a lot more impressive if you could also see me accidentally setting fire to myself again in the background
Sure sex is great but have you pulled a sticker off something in one go?
If sex was my religion, I’d be an athiest.