who started finding eggs and was like “it was probably a rabbit”
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Why are charming men called lady killers and not Lassassins?
Jesus Christ is trending? What the heck did he do THIS time?
how does a Matrix movie work in 2021? I’m supposed to be scared of living in a fake reality, trapped forever in 1999? Shit frost my tips and log me in
ME: Sorry we’re late. My daughter couldn’t find her pet spatula.
DAUGHTER: Chad.
ME: Yes. Chad the Spatula.
CUTE JOKE ALERT!
the nutty professor works in macadamia academia.
CUTE JOKE OVER!
Why does lipgloss last 43 minutes on my lips but 17 years on my coffee mug?
I’m just sayin’, corn dogs are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between corn and dogs.
I think it might be my birthday but I deleted my facebook account so I really have no way of knowing.
Men, if you want to impress her, send pix of your loads
~ dishwashers, perves
Saw @justinbieber on a piece of toast. Am I going to hell?
god: i need you to get me some teeth
fairy: what
god: from children
fairy: WHAT
god: ok fine pay them
Iron Man: I’ll hack into their security.
Hulk: HULK SMASH DOOR!
Thor: I’ll silence their guards.
Captain America: What’s a microwave?
God: Lo shall humanity have dominion o’er the earth, o’er the beasts.
Beasts: wtf
Humanity: Haha yesssss
God: but also shall humanity feel bad about everything, all of it, every last thing shall they feel bad about
Humanity: wait
Beasts: lol
God: lol
You’re erasing syllables to make the word shorter. I’m adding syllables to make the word longer. We are not the samerino
Nobody can turn an omelet into scrambled eggs quicker than me.
WIFE: You said you were going to put the dog down
ME: *in tears* I TRIED BUT HE HAD SOME REALLY DEVASTATING COMEBACKS
I’d remove my mittens to text you back, baby
-Canadians flirting
Him: Congrats on the new baby. Boy or girl?
Me: Girl.
H: And what did you name her?
M: Well we were both huge fans of Elvis Costello so we named her after his best-known song.
H: Oh! Alison? Or Veronica?
M: What? No. Her name is “Watching the Detectives.”
Noses are red, violets are blue. It ain’t love
darling, you got flu.
[Date]
Her: Any hobbies?
Me: Monging mostly.
Her: Huh?
Me: I’m a monger
Her: Huh?
Me: Iron, fish, war… You name it — I’ll monger it
It’s not truly a junk drawer until you have a bag of rubber bands, keys that fit no lock in your house, instructions for things you no longer own, a half-used tube of super glue, pens with questionable utility, and at least five likely dead AA batteries.
ME: I’m dead inside.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: Dead inside. Jesus, is this your first fuckin day?
It’s interesting to me that car drivers are the first to admit that other drivers are idiots, yet anytime you try to suggest policy that will take cars off the road, they’re the most resistant
Her: *firing a stun gun at my head*
Me: *screaming* No! I said “I like brain TEASERS”
I’m deleting some dumb tweets.
I need all your passwords please.
Like dudes straight up do not pay attention. It took Bruce Willis 2 hours and 10 minutes to realize he was a damn ghost in the Sixth Sense.
Him: I’m sorry, socks in bed are kind of a deal breaker
Me: wow
My sock puppet: WOW
Me: My heartburn is out of control
Dr: Are you still taking your meds
Me: Yes I take them every morning with my 1st pot of coffee
Dr: (exhaling loudly)
The adjective “interesting” is way more reliable when applied to cheese than when used to describe people.
It’s called “personal grooming” as though we might get confused and groom a total stranger.