I like long walks along the beach until the drugs wear off & I realize I’m actually crawling through the sand at the local construction site
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Last night the Ghosts of Halloween Past, Present and Future visited me and all had the same message: Don’t eat 5 bags of Reese’s Pumpkins again this year.
Where’s the gratification in tearing down another human being? It’s much easier to have heart, than walk w a self-inserted rod up your ASS.
I think more men would go to therapy if it was competitive. “Fourteen points in healthier communication? Yes! Eat my dust, Kyle! You emotionally unavailable loser!”
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
My five year old trying to charge me $1 to listen to her play the piano now that she’s “so good” thanks to the lessons I pay for is peak capitalism.
[farmers market]
me: how much for that pumpkin?
farmer: that’s my son
My wife has been binge watching episodes of snapped, so I cancelled my life insurance policy, and haven’t slept or eaten in days.
I just put the 4K Fireplace for Your Home on Netflix and my ma told me to turn it off because she’ll get too warm
Family dinners are fun because we start out as a family of 6 & then after everyone gets in trouble for acting up it’s a dinner for two.
Every time I go into the freezer I ritualistically sacrifice at least one piece of ice to the kitchen floor gods.
*Husband using Ouija board after I’ve died*
Please answer me
*arrow moves*
“It’s on the top shelf. Right there. RIGHT THERE! Use your eyes!”
Married girls are so lucky. They can post anything they want on here because they already tricked some dumb guy into marrying them.
If you can’t afford anal beads eat marbles and wait
Wife: The police are here asking about a break in at the pet store
Me from within a pile of puppies: Tell them I’m not here.
Friends come and friends go.
Just make sure to hang on to the ones that think you are funny.
And the ones that bring beer.
am i anxious? yes. but is that going to stop me from doing things i love? also yes
When I’m feeling dangerous I like to play food poisoning roulette with the corner fast food sushi spot.
I just violently threw up for 6 minutes and now my coworkers think I’m the lead singer of Creed.
Some of y’all expect more from a retail employee than of your elected officials
Me : what’s that thing that’s not a bed
Husband: a chair?
Me: No
Husband: cheeseburgers?
Me: No come on!
Husband: mice?
Whack a mole is not a conventional dermatological treatment method.
Hopefully women like a mature man. Because when I say I can do it multiple times a day, I mean vacuum.
You know why some people wear socks with sandals?Cos they’ve never been punched in the head for it.If you see an offender,do the right thing
Be warned….if you fly Spirit, everything is an upgrade fee.
Choose your seat? $10 fee
Check a bag? $30 fee
Want a pilot? $50 fee
Boss: I thought I said no costumes this week.
Me: These are my clothes.
This earthquake was the first time that I’ve ever said, “it was 4.7, but felt bigger.”
kissing is all fun and games until a boy inhales your skeleton through your mouth & uses it to build a house for some other girl
Whenever I want to feel like I’m at a house party again I play two podcasts at the same time and then sit on the floor in my kitchen and pet the cat
Why jurors are not allowed to have cellphones in the courthouse:
Me, taking a selfie in the jury box: feeling cute, might convict someone later.