Surround yourself with people who want to give you money.
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Dear Kids,
“16 & Pregnant” is a TV show, not a Challenge…
If I pick up two cinder blocks and walk into the cold, cold Atlantic while we are talking please don’t take it personally
I hadn’t pledged allegiance to the flag in so long I forgot the words and I may have just drunkenly pledged to one nation, invisible, with librarian judges for all.
My 3yo just had the biggest meltdown and at one point he yelled “I’m going to sneak out of my room in the middle of the night and barricade the kitchen and so nobody in the family can eat food ever again” and I just don’t know. No parenting book could have prepared me for him.
Apparently a guy named George Martin leaked all the main plot points of the next season of Game of Thrones in some books he published. Jerk.
[first date]
her: so, tell me about yourself!
me: well, im not good with dates
her: but you’re doing fine!
me: christmas is on september 3rd
Last year for Christmas I got a sweater, this year I am hoping for a screamer or a moaner.
Waiter: How is the chicken?
Me: Not great. I think he might be dead.
I better fix the hinge on this cabinet door before Ryan Gosling comes over, takes his shirt off and builds my lady a house.
Evening News is where they begin with ‘Good Evening’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
If drinking too much alcohol makes you an alcoholic, does drinking too much Fanta make you fantastic?
PIGEON MAGICIAN: I want you to pick a car, any car…DONT TELL ME!.
Ok [shits on windscreen] is THIS the car you chose?
OMG… JUST OPENED A CUPBOARD AND ALL MY POSTAGE STAMPS ARE PREGNA-
Oh wait, it’s Ravioli.
I couldn’t get the dog off the bed so I held up his ear cleaning solution, now he’s hiding somewhere and I’ve got fresh linens
Therapist sighs, sets down glasses, rubs the bridge of his nose. “For the last time, Christy, eating ham is not a life plan.”
Wife: [frantically searching kitchen] I can’t find my stir fry pans.
Me: looks like we need to go for a wok. lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you hid them just to make that pun didn’t you?
Me: you butter believe it : )
Dear women who just gave birth,
Stop naming your child ‘Khalessi’.
Sincerely,
The rest of the human race
me trying to fit into my pre pandemic jeans
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
“I like your tree’s earring.”
“That’s a tire swing.”
[neighbourhood watch meeting]
john: i have some disturbing news, we have a cold-blooded killer in our community.
suzy: omg who could it be?
lizard: *basking in the sun* yea omg who could it be.
“I’ll be back” –Arnold Schwarzenegger as getting into a 2-person horse costume
me: u know how we want clothes on our roof but can’t reach
wife: we have never discuss-
me: *loading t-shirt canon* stand back
YouTuber: if you like this video smash that subscribe button
Hulk: way ahead of you bud
All I’m saying is, there are too many songs about love and not enough songs about evenly layered nachos.
It’s not called “Laura the Explorer” because if a little white girl gets lost in the woods, CNN shows up with the FBI.
[airport]
SON: can i yell bomb?
DAD: no.
SON: hijack?
DAD: nope.
SON: how about shitballer?
DAD: uh yeah i guess but please don’t.
Need this in my life lol
Me: when is your birthday
Her: March 1st
Me: *walking around the room* when is your birthday?
Santa keeps a pair of mounted antlers over his fireplace to keep the reindeer from unionizing.