Strip search? Fine but I’m going to need some music.
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Irrational fear 807: being spoken to by a comedian during their performance. I would die a thousand proverbial deaths and a single real one.
Delete the phrase “it goes without saying.” Nothing goes without saying people are idiots
*grabs man in NASA coat*
No, you don’t understand! He’s a werewolf! A werewolf astronaut! LISTEN TO ME, THE MOON IS ALWAYS FULL UP THERE!
my mind
You just read my mind
saw the new Barbie movie and to be honest I expected a lot more shrimp to be thrown on her
marriage is so goth. it’s like “I’m in this until DEATH” jfc dude settle down
“What is your reason for divorce?”
She pronounces ‘Kansas’ like the second part of ‘Arkansas’
Empty out and clean a mace container.
Fill with water
Stare into the eyes of your enemies as you spray your own eyes and never blink
Movie idea: a gang of precision bank robbers, who were—now get this—trained…by…a…Doberman.
Of course folks gravitate toward you. You’re non-threatening and likeable. Same qualities as a serial killer.
You guys talk about sex like it’s so great. I had sex once and she made me take off my jean jacket. Just not worth it.
girlfriend: promise you won’t do anything weird
me: ok
[later at the funeral]
me: [to the tune of my sharona] m-m-m-my condolence
[slipping waiter a five dollar bill]
can you make sure my green beans and mac n cheese don’t touch on the plate
[First date after divorce]
Me: I’m gonna need to see your medical records.
*barges into bank with guns drawn
Alright everyone now be cool and no one gets hurt!
*hands out sunglasses all around
Nice. Nice.
The easiest way to bundle your home and auto insurance is to live in your car.
I think I’m finally becoming more mature. Now when I watch Spongebob I usually agree with Squidward.
THEN WHY IS HE WEARING A BOWTIE? I WANT TO GIVE HIM SPAGHETTI
Rude lady to me, “Well I’m sorry but you don’t LOOK sick to me.” Me, “Looks can be deceiving. For example, you don’t look stupid.”
I’m stranded on a dessert island. Do not send help.
No one told me about Snapchat filters so all this time I’ve just been taping animals to my face.
Whenever a tweet doesn’t do well initially I think “weird, every single person on the internet must be busy right now”
My superpower is finding the humor in nearly every situation. Uncle Bob’s superpower was flying. Landing… not so much. Lol
Priest: That’s your eulogy?
doctor: I’ve written you a prescription here. Follow that and let’s check in next week. It should help with your symptoms but if it doesn’t we’ll know more.
chiropractor sprinting to double kick you in the neck: say goodbye to IBS
What do we want?
Decisiveness!
When do we want it?
Ummm…
Hotel staff that insist on turning the toilet paper into a bow.. stop fingering my toilet paper with your dirty hands, Britney.
How to find out if you old.
(Fall down in front of a group of people.)
If they laugh, you are young.
If they panic, you are old.
when im having a bad day i remember a time i walked into a public bathroom&turned the lights on&heard a guy in the last stall say”thank god”
The best thing about a morning walk at go-to-school hour is I get to crash-tackle all the eight year olds.
How to make a woman scream in the bedroom: marry her and leave your clothes on the floor.