imagine your credit card gets declined at the hospital and they put your appendix back in
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dates 1-4: let me tell u about my extremely normal hobbies and interests
date 5: i don’t think the moon is real
Do not ask me to cheer you up. I will take you to a bar and ruin both our lives
Surround yourself with people who want to give you money.
just took 3 times my normal dose of adderall finally gonna get to the bottom of this whole amelia earhart thing
Judge: I sentence you to life in prison
Defendant: NOOOO MY ONLINE PRESENCE
Follow your dreams
Eat that cake
Skip the ads
Cut your own hair
Dye it too
Go on the run
Dance in moonlight
Hold your loved one close
Closer
Steal their soul
Offer it to Cthulhu
Write a children’s book
Illustrate it too
Love yourself
Imagine
ME: I’m seeing a little water staining on the ceiling. There must be a leak somewhere.
CONTRACTOR: When are you noticing it most?
ME: When I look up.
People who say “go big or go home” seriously underestimate my willingness to go home. Like, it’s literally my only goal for most of the day.
Top uses for a bathroom exhaust fan:
3. Remove moisture from the air
2. Remove odor from the air
1. Cover up disgusting sounds
mother-in-law (on FB): I’m tired of everyone being so condesending
*wife tackles me before I can write “you spelled ‘condescending’ wrong”*
Holy shit a street psychic just stopped me & said I’m a special person who cares deeply about some things & I’m freaking ’cause that’s SO me
Wife: We don’t have anything planned today…
Me: Cool!
Wife: …so I was thinking we should…
Me: (dammit)
[Smoke billows from a pizza Oven at Papa Johns HQ]
Me: I see a new Papa has been chosen.
*me filing for unemployment*
Unemployment office: be sure to call back between 11am-3pm as those are our hours
Me: so you’re only open 4 hours
Unemployment Office: yes any other questions
Me: yes how do I work at the unemployment office
It says here on your resume that you’re “good at traps,” could you expand on that while I investigate this pile of leaves on the floor?
Born to be mild.
BE HONEST.
the first time you ever saw the name “joaquin” you said “joe-a-quin” & then you heard it pronounced on tv & you were like what in the hell
After watching HGTV, my husband and I have decided to become dog walkers so we can increase our house hunting budget to 4 million.
I cannot breath, walk, or bend over but DAYUM these skinny jeans look good.
ME AT 19: I’m gonna travel to so many countries!
ME AT 29: I’m gonna try a new craft beer!
ME AT 39: I’m gonna try a different cat litter
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…a raise?
HR: You know we monitor internet usage right?
Me: I’d like to report a hacking!
1800’s ship captain: This expedition will be the most dangerous undertaking and we all may well perish on the journey. We should bring a monkey with us. It will live in my room.
Apocalypse 101: Don’t befriend the cool looking guy with a bunch of guns. Go with the one who knows how to tie knots, and can tell which plants are poisonous.
My teacher always said not to worry about correct spelling, because we have autocorrect.
And for that I am infernally grapefruit.
She said “you look like trouble”…so I nudged her down the stairs, because I don’t like people falling short of their expectations.
Killing Eve is trending and I thought we had a new holiday.
Look, ice cream has eggs in it, therefore it is a breakfast food.
Overheard in 2nd grade class today:
“Do your work! Santa’s watching right now.”
“Yeah, my mom told me that ship has sailed for me long ago.”
Sex so good your binoculars fog up.