Is this a threat?
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God: You have been freed from the shackles of corporeal form, my son. All of time and space are yours to experience. What will you do?
Spirit me: Probably just hang around my old apartment and make an occasional weird noise at night.
The reason your car won’t go over 60 in the city is because you haven’t yelled “HOLD ON!” yet.
I found $100 in my pocket this morning and almost quit my job
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
I was going to have sex with you, but you asked what Mario Kart was and wore pants inside the pillow fort….I’m just kidding. I don’t care.
PMS is just an excuse women use to eat all the good snacks & occasionally when committing murder.
The hardest part of the day after running a marathon is finding ways to work it into every single conversation you have.
Prime Day landing on the same day I get my period?
I need a bigger cart
Why would anyone become an architect when everything you do gets destroyed in an X-Men movie?
Everything I know about classical music I learned from Bugs Bunny cartoons.
lost dog
It isn’t a coincidence almost all movies about camping are horror.
I’m going to go to the gym and then to eat a Doritos Loco Taco, because I like to keep my body guessing whether or not I hate it.
[on unemployment]
WIFE: So what’d you do all day?
[the dog walks by dressed as a spider]
ME: Looked for a job
According to autocorrect, my favorite Star Wars character is Bob’s Feet.
Dance like you won’t be turned into a gif.
Husband: *texting me* Any chance we can skip that dinner party tonight?
Me: *already in my pajamas* If that’s what you really want.
Its real cute how pedestrians confuse “right of way” with immortality.
Passenger: Do you mind if I take a picture out the window?
Pilot: Of course, you utter dipshit.
2020 was like “I know a place” … and took us to hell.
He was looking for a job and then he found a job
just found out I have poison ivy and the doctor gave me steroids so I guess now the plan is to get super jacked and go back and fight that plant
this isn’t threatening at all
*gives you a knife
*points to the toaster
I stopped my pig from eating a penny.
I don’t know why.
I was so close to having a real live piggy bank.
Dear crush,
If there ever comes a day when you no longer find something to eat, I’m still here…
I mean, there’s food in my fridge 😏
I wonder if dogs have different names for themselves than the ones we give them, like “why tf he keep calling you Buster, David?”
A woman drives into a bar.
The problem with hiding snacks from my kid is that when I forget they end up being hidden from me too