I drunk an energy drink thinking it will help me stay up to write an exam. But instead my brain has just read wikipedia pages for 3 different type of fish and searched throught 20 etsy pages. So this was a bad idea
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So your face, is it permanently like that or are you genuinely surprised every time you take a selfie?
*Gets 20 Year High School Reunion Invite in mail*
I’m not going to this shit, that’s what Facebook is for.
*reads ‘open bar’*
Aaaand I’m in.
In today’s installment of “getting absolutely wrecked by my child” I present her commentary on dinner:
“You did the best you could.”
Drinking alcohol can lead to many things, like uneating your food.
Imagine a hunter in a deer stand but instead of a gun he has a long stick he pokes the deer with and they look around like “ok who did that”
Assassins are just murderers who found a way to make money off their favorite hobby.
My son keeps running around naked, so I sprayed him with Windex. It’s supposed to prevent streaking.
The key to happiness in life is to set yourself small, achievable goals.
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
YOU TWEETED 23 TIMES TODAY. RT @realDonaldTrump People ask me what I do in my free time. The answer–I don’t have any.
My plumber asked me for a Google review. I said I thought it was a really good search engine and I’d give it 8/10.
After coronavirus is officially renamed, scientists admit they shouldn’t have put it to a public vote but will nonetheless continue to fight the spread of Diseasy McDiseaseface.
It’s not summer until you put on your bikini and realize it probably wasn’t a good idea to eat 9,000 lbs of skittles, starbursts, and sour patch kids all year.
Thank you for the lovely invitation card, I will be using it to remove spiders from my house for the foreseeable future.
parenting hack: take your kids to the park then just leave them there. start a new life. be you. enjoy traveling again. make new friends that don’t care what color the cup or bowl is. you don’t need that negativity in your life. be free.
*pulls the dryer sheet off my pants*
Ok, weigh me now.
“Maybe I don’t need this second cup of coffee,” she said as she reached for the turkey gravy instead of the milk.
“…nevermind.”
Someone asked to share my table at a coffee shop and then asked me to leave the table because they have a meeting??? Am I in an episode of Seinfeld??
“amateurs”
~ Mick Jagger browsing duck lip selfies
*Taking my mom to a place she’s never been*
My mom: Are you sure you’re going the right way?
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what’s your location
me: i’m in the cockpit
control tower: i mean where is the airplane
me: mainly behind me
Why aren’t marriage prevention hotlines a thing?
Are you sure you want to unsubscribe? Yes. Really really sure? Yes. Really really really sure? Yes. What if I show you my promo code? No. Please write a 600 word essay on unsubscribing.
“Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?“
Lucifer: Are you hitting on me?
Warning: Too much sex leads to a house full of people who don’t like you.
God *creates dinosaurs* these are perfect
Dinosaur: Are you dino-sure hahaha
God *creates asteroids*
Barber: How do you want it?
Me [gets the same haircut every time]: UUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
I never pray harder than when I’m trying on a new pair of skinny jeans.
Pro tip for picking up girls – keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
A puppy can stab a girl in the face then steal her bag & she’d still be like, “Awwww a puppy.”