*Sneezes*
Dating: Bless you
Engaged: You’re adorable
Married: We need to talk
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Boss: Staff meeting at 3:00.
Me: I can’t come, I’m allergic.
Boss: But we’re not serving food.
Me: … yeah now I really can’t come.
Never once has a guy said, “She’s cute but I wish her eyelashes would be so big they’d weigh down her eyelids”
Brother?
I just want a time machine so I can show up at the Salem witch trials with an iPad.
Doctor: Any food allergies?
Patient: Sometimes dairy products disagree with me
Carton of milk: That’s not true
Accomplish whatever tasks you have today with the confidence of a kid who claims to have brushed their teeth
*me filing for unemployment*
Unemployment office: be sure to call back between 11am-3pm as those are our hours
Me: so you’re only open 4 hours
Unemployment Office: yes any other questions
Me: yes how do I work at the unemployment office
[ First day as a British comedy account ]
I sure do love those chocolate chip *checks writing on hand* biscuits? That can’t be right.
*raises the last pack of toilet paper to the sky like Simba*
The chips I’m eating are labeled “Harvest Cheddar,” a name which is forcing me to reconsider what I thought I knew about cheese production
Friend: I love your gray eyeshadow!
Me: I’m not wearing eyeshadow.
[Extremely heavy metal voice]
HELL YES I WOULD LOVE TO HOLD YOUR BABY
a group of crows is a murder
a group of crows spaced evenly between two margins is a justified murder
Let me play you the song of my children.
*open and closes door 20 times*
My 12 year old saw one tick at this cabin and now he’s requesting an airborne tactical extraction.
Gene Hackman is my favorite actor whose name sounds like a job description at Monsanto
This is bullshit. Panic bought this 100 lb bag of rice when quarantine started; only eaten a fistful because it’s all sharp and hard and crunchy, NOT like in the restaurants.
Just found out you can buy more hangers. You don’t have to choose which clothes go on the 9 hangers you’ve somehow had your entire life and keep the rest in a pile.
(1:35pm) God: Yo Abraham
(1:37pm) Abe: sup
(1:38pm) God: Need u to kill ur son
(1:42pm) Abe: k(4:02pm) God: jk lol
(4:10pm) God: u there?
Kid: Are you going to keep using weird Easter words today?
Me: Eggs-actly.
Kid: Stop!
Me: Egg-cellent idea.
Kid: Not another peep!
Me: Nice.
There’s an expiration date on this bottle of Bailey’s lmao
The one thing I wish my parents told me after I moved out was the address to their new home
WAITER: whaddaya have?
DADDY: go ahead son, tell the nice man what you want to eat
TODDLER: *extreme slingblade voice* you got any o’them french fried puhtaters? mmhmm
Homeschooling day 1: trying to get this kid transferred out of my class.
*applies Chapstick throughout our entire 13 minute conversation*
[Creating snakes]
God: Poison bite, no legsAngel: whoa, intense
God: And and and give em knives for tongues!
Angel: That seems excessive
God: *sigh* Fine, forks
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you say that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out from under the covers, the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
evil queen: would you like an apple?
me [is snow white]: nah not really
evil queen: but it’s a magic wishing apple!
me: meh, even so
The first 600 years or so of heaven is just harp lessons