JUDGE: state your name for the court
ME: Juan
JUDGE: and your last
ME: Agofree
JUDGE: so, Juan Agofree?
ME: *bangs gavel* case dismissed
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Misery loves Company, whereas Company is just trying to get laid.
Double negatives are never not confusing.
Effort made
The Weeknd is back
me: please don’t be mad
getaway driver: what’s wrong
me(left the money in the bank): nothing let’s go
Me: So, what was the issue?
Plumber: You had hundreds of Q-tips clogging your toilet.
Me:
Plumber:
Me: *sheepishly* I ran out of toilet paper.
I had 3 crackers, a ketchup packet, and a yogurt that said “Liz’s. Don’t Touch!” for lunch in case anyone wondered if tomorrow is payday.
Just want everyone to know this morning I won the argument I was having with someone in my head while in the shower. Feeling good about today
Sex tip: if you get bored you can always end the sex simply by saying “I have ejaculated.”
*my boss angrily taps his watch because I come into the meeting late
*i angrily tap my watch back because this meeting is too early
When I’m nervous, I like to picture everyone naked. Then, I picture them fully clothed, with items of my choosing. It’s a very complex and fashionable coping mechanism.
Christmas Eve is good because you can shout “DON’T COME IN HERE!!!” and people assume you’re wrapping their presents, rather than just wanting to be left alone.
I tell people I broke my neck playing sports but it was actually from flicking my ponytail to unleash ancient curses.
Text from FedEx: Your package will arrive last Saturday lololol
Not sure who graded these eggs as Extra-Large, but I’m guessing it was a guy.
Apparently I can’t enroll someone in anger management classes against their will.
Now what the hell am I supposed to do with my toddler?
The year is 2016. Dads go out for a vape pen refill and never come back.
*breaks out of prison
*hunted by police for weeks
*crawls thru 22 miles of mud to your house*
Me: <taps on your window> DID YOU GET MY TEXT?
I hate when I’m running on the treadmill for half an hour and look down to see it’s been 4 minutes.
on a date with a guy who got evicted for chewing through all the wires in his house
Salad kits are great when you want to pretend you are trying to be healthy but also don’t have the energy to go outside and chop cabbages off of your cabbage tree and summon the Ranch God.
Fact: Children can hear at a higher frequency than adults.
How no one has developed an effective child-repellant yet is beyond me.
Saving the planet will require sacrifice and right now I’m thinking you.
In your 20’s: I’m going to install the best radio, loudest speakers, amplifier in my car, and rock out.
In your 50’s: Turn that music down, I can’t even hear myself think about what I want to eat.
roman centurion: [dusting his hands off as he walks away from the crucifixion] well, we won’t be seeing that guy again!
I would move hell over six inches for you
I would like even faster food.
If we’re ever drunk together and I say “trust me, this will be fun”, run faster than me or have bail money ready.
If any Disney execs are reading this, call me. I’ve got an idea for another Star Wars spin off. It’s called Paul Darth, Maul Cop.
Adopt a pitbull so that nobody asks you to babysit