<—– gave a man a heart attack by admitting he was right
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Me: Keep absolutely still. His vision is based on movement
Vampire: That’s a T-Rex, idiot
Satan cannot be everywhere,
So Relatives were created..
Roadside Assistance: how can i help you
Englishman: *remembers he’s in America* i have an apartment tire
Since 1994 my New Year resolution has been the same. Don’t get murdered by Courtney Love.
pisses me off when I’m taking a longer than average drink at the drinking fountain and someone says “hey save some for the fishes” when just before i’d filled up a bucket at the drinking fountain and drove it to the nearest lake and dumped it in there
I made quiche, like a real grown-up. I feel like Tom Hanks in Castaway when he makes fire… I HAVE MADE QUICHE!
if the second I text you back, you call me because you know I’m holding my phone, I will call the police.
I lifted up my t-shirt to check out my abs and last night’s taco residue fell out so there’s that.
I keep renewing my auto warranty yet they’re still calling. How many times must I give them my credit card number?
Interviewer: Your CV is a flip book of you setting things on fire.
Me: Wrong. If you flip the pages the other way I’m putting the fires out.
The straw that broke the camel’s back was either an exceptionally large straw or that camel had some serious osteoporosis.
it amazes me that people still say they want a “fairy-tale marriage” when most fairy-tale marriages end with the lady getting angry and returning to the sea from whence she came.
THIS is the sort of creativity we need at met galas and runways. I’m obsessed
I let a Pasta Chef borrow my car and he returned it all denty
I removed Sean Connery’s limbs & replaced them with Daniel Craig’s arms & Pierce Brosnan’s legs. They formed an unlikely Bond.
We all have that special someone in our lives that we wish would get run over by a truck.
Dear guy that just shoplifted a brick from the supply centre, how close are you to finishing the construction of your dream home?
[enter password]
*Correct*
[your password is incorrect]
Me: ahh that’s right
*incorrect*
Login Successful
Me: the cords are tangled.
Brain: pull at them.
Me: shouldn’t I just untangle them?
Brain: pull at them violently.
waiter: would u like a baked potato, mashed potatoes, or fries with that
me: yes
[office]
BUSINESS SNAKE: [dictating a letter]
SECRETARY: [just hammering the S key]
Hot-cross buns!
Hot-cross buns!
One a penny, two a penny,
Hot-cross buns!– I’ll have two then please.
I just raced a Smart car. He barely beat me, but that’s only cuz I stopped to tie my shoe.
I may not look good naked, but I’m a beautiful person on the insi….
Hahahaha just kidding
I look great naked
girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s The Exorcist
An old Russian wisdom:
Tell me who your friends are,
And I’ll tell you what
you’ll be charged with.
Pro tip: Asking God to smite your enemies will ensure you never get asked to lead the prayer before a family meal again
Dear Tech Support,
I twied to puth my tongue in tha USthB port again. Canth you helpf?
[whispering to coworker who liked my status about having to put my dog down but never commented] so you like dead dogs do ya meghan?