CW: Linda! Did you forget the boss is treating us to lunch today?
Me: *mouthful of food*
*blink blink* No I didn’t forget.
You Might Also Like
Neil DeGrasse Tyson watching an Indian action movie: *becomes so filled with rage he explodes*
November is the Sunday of months. no I will not explain
Britney Spears’ Slave 4 U is trending on Christmas Eve just like it did that magical night in Bethlehem thousands of years ago. God bless everyone.
No matter how good your raspberry body wash smells, don’t be tempted to drizzle it over your ice cream. I’ve been burping bubbles for days.
Stop everything. Everybody shut up
There’s a spider on my ceiling. His name is Alec and where does he think he’s going oh no
ME: My husband of 20 years minorly annoyed me today
TWITTER: Dump him, queen 💅✨
The Dad Rule Book states you must say, “we’ve gotta stop money laundering” every time you find a dollar bill in the dryer.
I put “the rap” in therapy.
Yo, yo.
Emotional baggage, bitter like cabbage. Rollin up the green like a Hulked out savage. Burger, Inc.
We’re only a few years away from being arrested for crimes we haven’t yet committed based solely on an analysis of our Google search history.
Or at least I am.
Me: I want more
Dentist: excuse me?
Me: you know how you take teeth out?
Dentist: yea
Me: do that but the opposite
I like my men like I like my coffee: encouraging my bowel movements
Big thanks to everyone who bought us wedding china. I think about you every time we move.
Go to bed barstool. You’re drunk
Call me woke but the most offensive name in the kitchen is the Lazy Susan. Susan was not lazy, Susan was smart. Susan is a hero.
Nobody deserves to look that peaceful sleeping. SLAP.
EXECUTIVE: Calling our store “Bed & Bath” isn’t working. How can we take our branding to the next level?
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: I have an idea…
Highly Misleading Pictures That Will Make You Need To Look Twice At To Understand
Virgo: Expect romance on the horizon. Do not expect it to ever come closer to you than that.
[At the Rumble]
her *aggressively taking off earrings and heels*
me *desperately trying to find somewhere to set down my ice cream cone*
Every time I go to the grocery store my husband asks what I’m going to buy. What does he think I’m going to buy, a tiger?
The worst thing about living in the city must be cleaning all the dead parkour people out of your chimney.
People calling themselves a Personal Coach right now feels a lot like that time I called myself a Soccer Coach when my son was six.
person: wanna be friends and get to know each other at a normal pace?
me: wanna write a movie together toDAY???
“Honey, have you seen the baby? I haven’t seen the baby since I asked you to throw out the bath wat–OH DEAR GOD!!” – birth of an expression
First day of our road trip going well. My husband made an itinerary showing the first scheduled stop at a Love’s gas station 275 miles away. What my husband forgot: I have physically birthed 4 children.
Girl math is buying 3L of wine because you’ll need to deglaze one pan.
teacher: your son was caught smoking pot
me: did he say where he got it?
teacher: yes, his best friend
me: [tearing up] he really said that?
“I know it takes an egg and sperm to make a baby, but how do they mix together?”
– My 7yo, right before I received that urgent phone call
My washing machine at noon: “I will gently wash these clothes.”
My washing machine at midnight: “I WILL WASH THE HELL OUT OF THESE CLOTHES!!”
Felony is a beautiful name for a girl