If I’m being honest, a Seven Nation Army probably could hold me back.
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They say a lot of people put their birth year in their email address. In other news, there are a lot of men born in ’69.
satan: welcome slaves to your eternal damnation.
dad: can someone turn on the ac its as hot as hell in here.
satan:…
dad: sorry i dont want to get “fired” the first day on the job.
satan:…
dad: im going to super hell arent i.
satan: youre going to super hell.
*at the bakery*
Baker: “I’m sorry. We’re out of buns, but we have other baked goods.”
Me, with my pet anaconda: “Listen, hun…”
t-rex: aaargh I cant feel my legs
no thanks rational thinking your ship has sailed
Wearing pigtails to relive my youth and scare men when I turn around.
When my dog hears another dog down the street, he always looks at me like I had something to do with it.
No, I was not playing with myself during the zoom meeting. I was petting my dog
Either you die or it’s a good trampoline. There’s no in-between.
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
last time i gave my number to a girl from a dating app like 3 texts in i asked her to call in a bomb threat to my job so i could go home and she never replied so i’ve just been kinda takin a break from that for a while
I donated my body to science but science regifted it to comedy.
Executioner: last words?
Me: pop
Executioner: we say soda here
Me:
Executioner: say soda
Warden: bro it’s LAST words he won’t-
Executioner: I’M NOT PULLING TIL HE SAYS SODA
I’m forced to conclude that not liking my tweets is a you problem.
What smells better than it tastes?
A nose.
Was voted “Most Needy” in my high school yearbook. Practically had to beg them for it.
Maybe next year… ☔️
#GreatBritishSummer #Rain
you know how picasso had to learn the rules of painting before he could break them? that’s why i’m going to law school
I remember one time I caught my ex talking to some dude in an indie band and was telling him she’s sad and she said something along the lines of “my boyfriend is a musician (me) and hasn’t once made a song about me or how he loves me” like bro I play the drums wtf lol
Ya I am too Dave it’s nothing to be proud of
From a shark’s perspective, Jaws is a lot like Home Alone.
Ruin a hipster’s day by telling them how commercial you think their favorite band has become.
8yo: Did you know they used to have computer mouses that had wires? I don’t even know how you could use those
Me: To strangle your coworkers
8yo: What?
Me: Huh?
I will not be participating in the end of daylight savings time on the grounds that setting my clock back will add an hour to 2020.
Practice self-care like Dracula: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
[restaurant]
ME: My compliments to the chef.
WAITER: I’ll certainly..
ME: Tell him his ass looks fantastic.
I hope at the end of the movie, Batman and Superman have to sit down and write a list of all the things they appreciate about each other.
Damn … History Channel 😀
#archaeohistories
ME: ur more likely to get hit by lightning than eaten by a shark
SHARK: [biting my torso] today’s your lucky day
ME: *gets hit by lightning*
If A Book Store Never Runs Out Of A Certain Book, Dose That Mean That Nobody Reads It, Or Everybody Reads It