“Unhand me you cad!” I shriek, before turning disappointedly to see that I’ve only caught my shirt in the silverware drawer.
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I just said, “Have a good nice!” to a drive-thru attendant, so real quick everybody start saying that so I don’t feel stupid, thanks
NASA: you’ve been selected to spend a year on the space station
ME: wow that’s awesome
NASA: you and your entire family!
ME: oh ok no thanks
If u think ur parents did nothing for you, remember Jackie Shrof named his son Tiger and Bappi Da named his son Bappa. Respect your parents
Are these grass-fed oranges?
Is it solipsistic in here or is it just me?
Usually before i join a teams meeting, i mute my mic. this morning i joined a call and thought i hit mute but i did not. as i joined i let out a huge long sigh that 22 people got to hear. now i need to find a new job.
Christmas tree still up?
that’s a cat tree now.
Problem solved.
Self-checkout is great right up until you move one item prematurely and it freezes the whole system and calls an employee over and you go “I don’t know what I did,” and they say, “It’s all good,” and then scan the magical piece of paper hanging around their neck that unlocks it.
My signature move at family dinners is waiting for someone to put their drink down at the table & then moving it when they go to the buffet.
[speed dating]
I enjoy gardening. I’ve got a bit of a green thumb. Actually several of my fingers are discolored. I think I have diabetes.
before therapy: i hate people
after therapy: i feel good about hating people!
Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit, probably
*gestures to my unmown yard*
“I’m choosing to let my yard grow wild, to help the pollinators.”
*waves at a stack of dirty dishes*
“This, too, is for the pollinators.”
*trips over a pile of dirty laundry”
“Pollinators.”
looking back on it, it’s even funnier how those celebrities decided it was time to sing us that “Imagine” montage after being stuck inside for like 36 hours
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
me: I wish for infinite wishes!
genie: ok
me: wait are you serious
genie: [exhaling cigarette] yeah I don’t give a shit
Nothing in a household is said more lovingly than, “Can you bring me some toilet paper?”
I planted a whole garden full of bird seed this year and not one bird came up. I quit.
My 3yo plays a version of hide-and-seek where if you find her, she cries.
Apparently you’re not supposed to tell “That’s what she said jokes” during the Board meeting because it’s “inappropriate”
7YR OLD: dad, why do feet smell but noses run?
ME: are…are you high right now?
Pretty sure my dog is even ashamed of me right now, and I’ve seen him do some questionable shit.
Don’t ask.
I hate people who take drugs.
Especially Border Patrol
You know your cooking sucks when you toss your leftovers down the garbage disposal and it throws them up again.
Me: It’s been 3 years, but I’m finally making progress on my book.
Friend: You’re writing a book?
Me: No. I meant the book I’m reading.
Chores are important for teaching kids the value of working just hard enough to mollify people with actual power
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
The perfect sticker placement doesn’t exi-
I saw this post on Tumblr awhile ago and I liked the visual so much I had to draw it
🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀
*getting murdered*
“When you’re done could you lay me on my back so my tummy flattens out?”