The quickest way to double your money is to hold it in front of a mirror.
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The neighbor’s 5yo keeps yelling “are we boyfriend and girlfriend” across the fence at my 5yo, and my kid just came running in the house and slammed the door, so I guess that answers that
First day as a drug dealer. Made a ton of sales. Boy are people forgetful, they all left their wallets at home.Gonna be rich tomorrow though
With the likelihood of insects being a big part of our future diets, it’s only a matter of time before McDonald’s servers are asking if we want flies with that.
Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.
If you bump into someone at the grocery store and say goodbye, there’s a 99 percent chance you’ll see them in every single aisle after that.
[Super Villain Team Tryouts]
COACH: Tell me what you can do
MAGNETO: I can manipulate metal
LOKI: I’m a god
THE PENGUIN (shoving his way to the front): I LIKE PENGUINS!
every raccoon you see is currently on parole
Everyone knew it was Superman behind those glasses, they just didn’t have the heart to tell him
It doesn’t necessarily absolutely have to be Halloween to grab a bag and go to your neighbours to ask for candy, right? Back me up on this, gang
Sending an insult with a typo is like laughing at someone for tripping and falling and then tripping and falling right front of them.
Never sell a golf club on Facebook to someone from East Kilbride!
My family seemed kinda happy that the rice I made yesterday fell on the floor before I could serve it tonight.
NOBODY MOVE THIS IS A ROBBERY! *other robber looks over at me* dude no you can move. We talked about this. Get the money
GROUND CONTROL: Major Tom how you doin’ up there?
MAJOR TOM: Floating in a most peculiar way. The stars look very different today…
GROUND CONTROL: *hits mute button* Again with this guy. *releases button* That’s great. How ’bout we run through some flight diagnostics?
The only problem with the free bread they serve to your table at restaurants is that they don’t do it everywhere else. I want to be served focaccia while I’m getting my car fixed. I want my doctor to offer me a baguette and olive oil while she’s checking my blood pressure.
screaming until I turn this migraine into an us-graine 😉
Every surgery is exploratory if you’re confused enough
See ya later, alligator.
After a while, crocodile.
Catch ya mañana, little iguana.
Me *rings 911* help me I’m dying!
Oompa Loompa: oh I have a fun song I can sing
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
Me: I love it when I’m on top of his…
Friend: Sophie! There are kids here!
Me: Timeline. I was going to say timeline.
Come over for dinner. I’m making a big deal out of nothing.
KID: can i eat a tide pod
MOM: no
KID: this is bullshit
MOM: don’t use foul language go wash your mouth out with soap this instant
Friend: Hey Karanbir! Long time no see. How’s your brother?
Me: He has moved on to a better place.
Friend: OMG that’s terrible! He was so young!
Me: Oh he didn’t die. He moved to Canada.
Just purchased one of those wigs that lawyers in England wear to put on when I have an argument with my wife.
idk what he going thru but i feel him
interview: problem solving skills?
me: i once fit 9 people into a 1986 Toyota Corolla
Hiking is useful if you like the outdoors, fitness, or finding new and interesting places to dispose of bodies
My ice maker broke and now I have to make ice, in trays.
I’ll be on Pinterest looking for a recipe.