Just thought of way to discourage teenage smoking. Instead of saying “Cancer” on boxes replace it with the word “Acne”.
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Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
Me: Here’s half my income.
Daycare: Cool. Here’s a new virus every other week.
[in bed]
“No, I’m serious Amy. If this were a buddy cop movie would you try to avenge my murder even after the Chief took your gun & badge?”
Therapist: Ok one more time. We’re gonna keep our friends close and where do we keep our enemies?
Me: …in the basement?
I confused the spatula with a flyswatter is why that is floating in your soup.
I don’t need your flipping advice, I am capable of ruining my life on my own.
My doctor says I need to up my potassium intake and now on top of everything else I need to learn to mine bananas and avocados
Given the amount of clowns around here you’d think it would be more entertaining
My husband talked me into cutting his hair and he thinks I did an amazing job.
Apparently it hasn’t occurred to him to take a look at the back.
[finishing last sip of wine]
waiter: would you like another glass?
me: no just refill this one
me: [being beaten w/ nightstick] are u a virgo
cop: GET ON THE GROUND
me: that’s such a virgo thing to say
Inventor of balloons: You know what this party needs? Rubber balls filled with my breath
My cat looks at me like “I would have been a god in ancient Egypt, I’ll have you know”.
14: Want to see what I drew today in Spanish?
Me: Why were you drawing in Spanish?
14:
Me:
14: …because I have no idea what my teacher is saying.
Actually, your email does not find me well. I had to talk on the phone twice today, my bananas ripened too quickly and I found a fork in the spoon section of the drawer.
My life is spiraling out of control.
Hey if a public bathroom door is locked don’t forget to try to repeatedly open it and give the person using it paralyzing anxiety
Me: I’m going to get some of those Ample Bottom jeans that were all the trend back in 2010
My daughter: mom. It’s Apple Bottom jeans.
Me (glancing backwards): nah. I was right the first time.
All sex is “make up sex” if you don’t know what you’re doing.
Friday, Friday, all gonna die next Friday. Everybody’s gettin’ ready for the world’s end. Gotta make My mind up: Which souls should I take?
At the zoo, you have to drag me away from the otter pool. The promise of a soft pretzel usually does it.
My 3 yr old is so encouraging. I changed my shirt; she says”Daddy, you did it!” If she finds out I use the potty by myself, she’ll flip out.
A seven nation army could definitely hold me back.
“I have a headache” was not the invitation to sit down and talk to me that you think it was
You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancée by the way he hasn’t murdered her.
how to have fun when you’re poor
I want hashbrown pills.
~the guy who invented Tater tots
[infant diary]
Father has disappeared during a game of peek-a-boo. I fear the worst.
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.