I’m not saying I did terrible things last night but satan just woke up on my couch and he won’t make eye contact with me.
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Just been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants.
Feefiphobia.
[Home Depot]
Me: Trash bags?
Employee: Size?
M: Don’t know. They’re for my wife.
E: A guess?
M: How many gallons is an average size woman?
a couple months ago i had a plumber come to my house and he spent the whole time talking about how he was also justin bieber’s plumber and then he broke both of my toilets which begs the question: does justin bieber have working plumbing?
“Well, first I was afraid… Then I was petrified…”
– Dinosaur explaining how he didn’t survive
me: yo lemme get somma those THYIICC fries
kfc: you mean potato wedges?
me: yes potato wedges please
“It’s like they’re not even impressed that this fits inside my nostril.”
– Toddlers
6 yr old: Can we have cupcakes for breakfast?
Me: Absolutely not.
(I can’t tell him it’s because I ate them all around 3am.)
Pro tip: Sleep and nap with gloves on, so they can’t unlock your iPhone with your fingerprints.
*at divorce court
Me: She hasn’t touched Mr. Peppy in 10 years, your Honor.
Judge: I’m sorry – What??
Her: I win, right?
DON’T make this weird…
(I whisper in your ear, as I pet your eyebrows)
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
astronomy is a growing field as the universe is expected to expand indefinitely
Indiana Jones: It belongs in a museum!
Me: *running away* Leave my sexy booty alone
Father, pardon, excuse, exonerate, absolve, acquit, forgive me, for I have synonymed.
Just made my neighbors kid cry. How was I supposed to know Hags meant have a great summer?
Wife: Could you be dehydrated?
Me: Of course not.
W: How much water have you had?
Me: Two coffees & a bourbon.
W: Wow.
Me: Told you.
Him: What are you watching?
Me: Um, it’s like a foreign documentary
Him: What’s it called?
Me: I don’t actually remember
Him: Is it 90 Day Fiancé?
Me: yeah
This doctor once told me eating a bagel was like eating 5 slices of bread and I was like ok, cool, I like bread
Trapped beneath the feet of a bearded giant…
Cut off from the world.
Stephen King & Pixar present:
“A BUG’S LIFE 3: UNDER THE GNOME”
I’m actually kind of handsome when you’re drunk and the light is low and there’s no other dudes around and you have low standards.
*Passive-aggressively skips through your selfies and only likes pics of your dog*
wife: We really need to start teaching 9 some manners
me: *shoving an entire Pop-Tart in my mouth and spitting crumbs everywhere* I agree
Kids be like don’t worry I aimed for the rug so I wouldn’t get your bowl dirty
“every family has that one huge weirdo”
“NOT MY FAMILY!” I shout as I quickly exit the room, my six ducks on leashes in hot pursuit.
College: Now that you’re making tons of money with your degree, please donate back to us every year
Me: lol
College: lol ikr?
I’ve been watching far to many episodes of Extreme Homes. I want one made of containers, w/solar panels,heated floors, recessed lighting, indoor pool w waterfall/swim up bar, and windows to the ocean & garden on my roof. Floating.
Me: And when there was only one set of-
Jesus: Dude, just tell the cops there were TWO sets of footprints in the sand!
brown rice can’t be THAT much better for you, can it? I ask because I don’t like it
Nothing more awkward than not calling a girl back after a one night stand and then running into her at your family reunion.
My friend posted on Facebook that he’s hosting an improv show and every single person reacted with the “care” emoji.