“Siri, what are the side effects of Valium?” I mumbled into the tv remote.
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Just burned 2000 calories trying to avoid someone I know at the grocery store.
[hand sensing faucet factory]
Worker: sir, we are ready to load the hand recognition software
Boss: ok great but *shows picture of me* make sure it doesn’t work for this guy
I know there’s a lot going on right now in America but my husband just used one of the good towels!
Comcast: “Would you like to upgrade your Internet service to include cable?”
Me: “No thanks, the illegal downloading has that base covered.”
My husband sending mixed signals like, insisting we reduce our online shopping, but also buying and installing a bigger mailbox that “Holds a lot more.”
There are 3 types of people:
1. Dog people
2. Cat people
3. Clean house people
[at home on video conference call]
Yeah boss I don’t know why I keep dropping. Maybe my connection is bad.
*pauses Netflix on 2nd monitor*
“hello pretty lady.” [i slide down the bar] “what’s your name?” i say as i casually toss a peanut in my eye.
why do people romanticize the 1950s? like calm down, we still have milkshakes and racism
Interviewer: Please put your kazoo away
I like microwaves that spin the food around because I’m all, oh yeah, hot pocket, looking good, girl, from the front AND the back uh huh.
My grandpa used to eat onion sandwiches so yeah he and my grandma slept in separate bedrooms.
I could have been a monk but I missed my chants
We’re starting this social distancing thing as a family of six but given how everyone is getting along on day one, we might end up a family of four.
I got all my coworkers condoms and bibles for Valentines Day because I’m praying they get laid
“Pardon me. Might I murder you with my musket? Yes? Excellent news, kind sir!” – The Very Civil War
In 1911: Dracula used to drink virgin girls blood … In 2012: he died of hunger.
My future’s so bright that I have to wear lampshades like an injured dog.
Me: Male Peacocks can’t fly because their tail is too heavy.
Beauty has its cost.Husband: I still don’t understand why your eyeliner costs 45 dollars.
[walking out of bathroom]
me: oh boy, do NOT go in there
*guy walks in anyway*
*comes out screaming*
me: ya it’s like super haunted
My trainer told me to get on all fours and I got excited until she said now do tricep extensions.
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
Officer, why do you say “full body cavity search” like it’s a bad thing?
We need to make art so weird that when the tech companies try using it to train AI, the AI goes “listen I don’t know what this is and I’m scared”.
My husband just walked in on me getting a pretty intimate backrub from this one wall corner in the kitchen and suggested we get a room.
I used to wave my hands in the air like I just don’t care, but now I just wave them because I get more steps on my FitBit
Googles: what to do with 100 dyed hard boiled eggs
Google: do you have any enemies?
I am only one bad decision away from selling pictures of my feet covered in cookie dough to strangers on the internet.
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Yes
Magician: And this?
Me: Yup
Magician: How about this one?
Me: Please just put the gun down, you can take the whole wallet
I use algebra every day for work. I was promised in high school that this would never happen.