Some day, you too, will meet someone you want to spend the rest of your days without
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In an unexpected turn of events yesterday, my husband tested the child locks on the car doors.
“Laura, can you come and let me out?”
Me: *Puts up fake Halloween cob webs*
Spider who just woke up from a night of drinking: What the f
Guys if you are into a girl you have to be confident enough to look her right in the eye on her Facebook profile pic & press the Like button
That awkward moment when someone says “stop”, and you don’t know whether to respond with “collaborate and listen” or “hammer time.”
Louis Lane “there is no way broccoli is a superfood!”
Broccoli *takes spectacles off*
Louis Lane “My God! Look, it’s a superfood!”
Never considered this before, but I might be a “local woman”
If you don’t believe nature abhors a vacuum, you should see how my dog reacts to the Roomba.
Movies led me to believe there would be a whole lot more unlocked cars just sitting around with the keys tucked away in the overhead visor.
[Whole Foods]
ME: Hi
CLERK: Hello
ME: Do you…uh
CLERK: Do we what?
ME: Do you have any…uh
CLERK: Go on
ME: Do you have any Half Foods?
6yo: chicken is good for you. but not so good for the chicken
😳
Naughty at 40 is a hoax
Welcome to age of joint pains and loads of stress
Beware of girls like Princess Peach. She seems cool at first but she ends up in some other dude’s castle far too often to be a coincidence.
me: [tries to spend time with kids. They don’t want to]
[Bed time]
Kids: I wanna do something with you! You don’t spend time with us!!
[Restaurant]
Waiter: Compliments of the chef.
*He opens silver platter and post-it notes with the words ‘You’re beautiful’ pour out*
My dad loves to tell this story ab how when he was a kid his family passed Carlo gambino’s house on the way to church and his dad said solemnly “someday that guys gonna wake up with a bullet in his head”
it’s Thanksgiving day. i’m carving a turkey. “ahem” i hear from across the house. it’s my old violin instructor. i sigh and then pick up the turkey, put it under my chin and continue an elegant sawing motion. she nods with approval.
“DADDY THERE’S A MONSTER UNDER MY BED”
[me opening bedroom window]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *climbing out* ARE YOU COMING OR NOT?
Nobody plays better together than siblings being told it’s bedtime
Canned, not stirred.
[lights pickle]
If parenting has taught me anything, it’s that you only give your toddler as much juice as you’d like to see on the floor
Ratio should be pronounced like Daddio, which sounds like a really cool Rat.
no one who’s ever been hit in the head with a softball calls it a softball
Bee. The reason he needs an epi pen.
[whispering to date while watching Chappie when Chappie first appears on the screen] That’s Chappie
Ninja turtle: we’re huge mutated turtles we need disguises
Splinter: ok here’s a strip of cloth with eye holes cut out
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
Student:Why do we need to know this?
Me: To look smart for your friends.
Student:What if I don’t want to look smart?
Me: You’re doing great.
Me: I CAN’T BREATHE
EMT: *checks my pulse*
Me: I’M GONNA DIE
EMT: What happened?
Yoga instructor: He was putting his shoes on
Me: I’ve hit rock bottom
The Rock: Harder