When a woman says “WHAT did you just say?” say something different.
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mugger: *points gun* your money or your life
me: sure thing *hands him my id* you got 2 kids and didn’t actually understand the matrix
mugger: no i mean-
me: *already running away* your late for steph’s recital
[High School Reunion]
Me: Those were the days, right?
Mrs. Miller: You left out Thursday that time.
“Why can’t I just eat the wax?”
~me, when I can’t open the cheese
Went to bank robbing school and the teacher told me to take notes.
therapists do NOT have all the answers. like sometimes a client will be telling me something really difficult and be like “what do I do????” and in my head I’m like oh man, i don’t know……you should really see a therapist about that
Why is “Dark” spelled with a K, and not a C ?
Because you can’t C in the dark.
At the last supper Jesus was probably like it would be way more comfortable for everyone if some of you sat on the other side of the table
I got mad at a rock today.
I chopped it in half with my lightsaber.
Now there are two rocks.
Send help. Now.
My wife agreed to a water birth, so I’m setting up a slip’n slide in the front yard right now. I’m gonna wait at the end & catch him.
The USS B port
Your call is very important to us and we’ll answer it once we figure out our new phone system.
me: officer there’s a suspicious looking van parked outside
cop: does it look shady?
me: yeah it’s actually a pretty good parking spot
If a cannibal ate a comedian, that would lead to some funny shit.
I set the automatic reply on my work email to “I don’t negotiate with terrorists.”
Now we wait.
Waiter, Waiter, will my pizza be long?
No sir, it will be round.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
My birthday suit doesn’t fit me anymore.
me: okay, thank you!
boss: thank you more!
me, whispering: we can’t do this, you have a family.
boss: what
me: what
Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.
[Couples counseling]
“It’s not good to keep these things bottles up, you know”
Okay, fine
*opens jar of wasps*
To combat the sibling rivalry that’s been occurring at home, we’ve been spending more time outdoors. So essentially they’re just taking it outside.
Today my 3yo said that we should celebrate because today is my last birthday… WAIT YOU LITTLE NOSTRADAMUS SHIT WHAT DO YOU KNOW?
Don’t ever get excited if your kid likes a new food. They won’t like it tomorrow.
Being a parent is having your kid say “I went to school today and I didn’t even lose my donkey” and you know exactly what they mean
They’re called werewolves.
My kid’s preschool has us practicing Christmas program songs in September so if you see me in October walking around looking like a hot mess mumbling Christmas lyrics just hand me alcohol or put me out of my misery
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
the boss has a new hairpiece and i’m trying real hard not to laugh
I was helping my son with his homework and I told him that the language attorneys use with all that legal jargon was called ‘Courtugese’ and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
[my first day as an art teacher]
“before u start drawing let your eyes linger over the subject”
(it’s a dead bullfrog dressed as a cowboy)