Today’s spelling lesson:
On the lam: escaping from policeOn the lamb: escaping from life’s woes with a delightful sheep ride
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Got a text from my husband this morning saying that this wasn’t working out and he wanted a divorce! Boy was I relieved when he texted back saying that he sent it to the wrong number.
Me at 5: I’ll be famous one day.
Me at 15: I’ll be successful one day.
Me at 25: I’ll take a great vacation one day
Me now: I’ll just eat this this sauerkraut straight from the can.
A great way to relive your childhood is to outgrow your clothes every few months.
me: [yawning] might get dressed today
coworkers in zoom meeting: please do
A fun thing to do is sign your kids up for a class they’re dying to take and then listen to them complain about it for the next 8 weeks.
ME AT 19: I stayed in a youth hostel with 20 strangers
ME IN MY 40s: This hotel bed is a bit smaller than at home and my wife’s leg touched me in the middle of night and now my vacation is ruined
Cool I just discovered I can speak my tweets into my phone exclamation mark
Poor Luigi when his parents were all, “This is Mario, we also call him ‘Super Mario’. And this Luigi, we also call him ‘Player 2’.
[first day as a doctor]
patient: how bad is it
me: [forgetting the word for spine] you broke your bone rope
Forgive me father for I have sinned, it’s been 25 yrs since my last confession, I sure hope you’re seated comfortably.
{speed dating}
Me: What handbags can you afford?
Army guy: sniper in the clock tower, 6 o’clock
Me [seeing the time on the clock tower says 5 o’clock]: we’ll worry about him in an hour then
God making man in his image was the original selfie
Bad Cop: The proof is in the pudding.
Good Cop: Stop putting all our evidence in pudding. Why do you keep putting our evidence in pudding?
Dolphins are cute and friendly, until you owe them money.
Me: I don’t want to fill up on bread.
Executioner: This is literally your last meal.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
I don’t remember daylight savings having this much of an effect on me. Last night I went to bed at 9:30 and this morning I woke up standing in my neighbour’s backyard dressed as a scarecrow.
“I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?”
Pro-tip for couples suddenly working from home together: Get yourselves an imaginary coworker to blame things on. In our apartment, Cheryl keeps leaving her dirty water cups all over the place and we really don’t know what to do about her.
I hope in the Top Gun sequel Goose’s ghost visits Maverick and they do pottery together.
Texting while driving is incredibly stupid and dangerous. You’re practically begging for typos.
Show me a good ab workout and I’ll show you what looks like an alligator stuck on its back.
genie: are you sure?
me: just do it
*my dog winks and gives me a fist bump for the third time*
So it turns out ghosting doesn’t work on credit card companies.
Patient: I’m going to miss you. If I need anything how do I reach you?
Me: Pentagram and a dead goat
Is Mercury still in the microwave?
If dolphins are so smart how come I managed to trick one into investing all its savings in my phoney pyramid scheme?
Prayers for my husband, he married one of those “it’s my birthday month” people.