The concept of a sister wife doesn’t bother me so much as the fact there’d be one more person in my damn way this morning.
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my friend: [just got fired from his job] what a day
me: [got to the gym and only my left headphone worked] you have no idea
A good prank is to rent a Mercedes, stick a huge bow on it, and park it in front of your neighbor’s house
Husband, “Aaaaannnd that completes my order.”
Tombstone Engraver, “Are you sure you want it spelled like this….Belovud wyfe, freind, and muther?”
Husband, “She can’t correct me now.”
(Hugging)
Me: you smell good. Is that a new cologne?
Him: No, I dropped turkey gravy on my shirt earlier.
Me: That’s a good smell for you. Maybe try a white peppercorn version next time.
Him:
ME: I got fired for microwaving fish at work
HER: whoa, fired? that seems harsh
ME: whatever, I didn’t like working at the aquarium anyway
Me: Did you pull off your Barbie’s head?
4-year-old: No.
Me: Then where’d it go?
4: She sneezed and it exploded.
Sounds legit.
this can’t be the same pay my coworkers are raising 3 kids with 🥲
Whatever your age, I think you should try to learn something new every day. Today I learned that 50 year old men shouldn’t run for trains. Discovering that ambulance beds are surprisingly comfortable was merely a bonus lesson.
”How’d you get that scar on your head?”
[remembers falling at the playground as a kid]
”Stopped a bank robbery”
I basically have 3 hairstyles…
Straight.
Wavy.
Homeless.
A couple of weeks ago I replaced my work computer with an aquarium. If anyone asks, I say it’s my screensaver.
15 yo daughter has a friend over and suddenly 13 yo son wants to walk around curling dumbbells.
Welcome to Bed Bath & Beyond, here’s your gun, shoot anything that comes out of the Beyond
An egg just followed me. Now I just need some bacon.
Nothing says “I love you mom” like my 6yo asking me who gets my iPad when I die.
87% of parenting is yelling, “DON’T MAKE ME COME IN THERE,” from a different room.
Science memes
Do you have FB?
No
Do you have Twitter?
No
Instagram?
No
What do you have?
A life.
…
…
Can I have it?
No. I need it to play Candy Crush.
Son: Do you know what Sin City is?
Me: Las Vegas.
S: Okay do you know what Den City is?
M: I have no clue.
S: Mass over volume.-I almost said Denver 🤦♀️
No matter what country they’re in ducks always have the same quaccent.
Arkansas was named when a pirate tried to spell Kansas
I can either cut my toe nails, or majestically swoop down and grab a salmon from a river.
You never say “I love you” back
Tater tots:
In my younger days, I was bullied. Fed up one day I punched the biggest kid in class. I think about that teaching job often.
Calling in stupid to work tomorrow
Cop: You were going 30 over the speed limit
Me: Are you sure about that?
*gives him a handful of Cheez-Its*
Cop: Have a nice day, sir.
My husband calls me Sugar and my dog’s name is Sugar so when he says, “C’mere Sugar” there’s an awkward stare down between me and the dog.
My wife is great at multitasking. She can be mad at me for five different things at the same time.
My 1-year-old has been beeping at me all morning.
I thought there was something wrong with her.
Turns out she’s being R2-D2.
Turns out I can hold my breath with a pillow over my face way longer than an old person. Innocent mistake..