“My parents refuse to photoshop me onto an athlete so I can get into college” #SpoiledKidsComplaints
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Why does lipgloss last 43 minutes on my lips but 17 years on my coffee mug?
[climbing out of a dumpster] believe it or not, I am here to help
One time my husband asked me to dance for him and I performed the entire Lion King musical to the best of my ability.
Nothing sexier than when a man pulls you close, looks deep into your eyes, and puts a Babybel in your mouth.
*gets down on 1 knee*
OMG
*puts 2nd knee down*
WHAT?
*lays on floor*
JIM?
*snake noises*
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
*slithers out of relationship*
[Planning a heist]
ME: Did you scope the place out?
PARTNER: Yes, they have two armed guards
ME: So we’re evenly matched in terms of limbs
If a snake ate a cake
Having a cat is like having a teddy bear that is always investigating a murder.
Couldn’t remember the word ‘ostrich’ earlier so I called it a giraffe chicken.
Chinese food – $25
Delivery fee – $3.99
Realizing they forgot a container – riceless
My new dishwasher takes over two hours to run a full cycle and I don’t know what garbage this is because even my kid can wash dishes faster than that.
I had no idea we were millionaires until I just saw my husband casually rip off 3 or 4 paper towels at once.
*Decision made
I was thinking of being narsysistic.
But I can’t spell it.
So I’m going to be vein.
Last night, I was running from Justin Bieber-head polygamist in Utah-who demanded that I become his 4th wife.
I’m not taking any Benadryl tonight
Whenever someone doesn’t text me back, I just assume we’re in a fight that I wasn’t aware of.
Good morning to everyone except the sentient computer who locked me out of the space station
You don’t even want to know what people have used the ice tongs in your hotel room for.
My nephew said the cherries in my refrigerator had gone bad. They’re moonshine cherries, so yeah, they aren’t exactly choir boys.
People who don’t like pickles are so important because they give me their pickles
there’s a jehovah’s witness dressed up as a cop who keeps banging on my door, haha nice try buddy
Make new friends? bro out of what?
god: i have made Mankind
angels: you fucked up a perfectly good monkey is what you did. look at it. it’s got anxiety
Honest job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I put a lot of effort into looking like I know what I’m doing”
I came back from the grocery store with a bag of fresh vegetables and when my wife asked what I’d bought I said it was a bag full of good intentions
[flops on the ground like a fish whenever I have to make a decision]
they’re called hooves, dummy🙄
90% of life is just having the courage to show up.
The other 30% is just checking the math.
*travels back in time to kill Hitler as a baby* *becomes known as time-traveling baby murderer & history’s greatest monster*
I left Wyoming because I got tired of scrolling all the way down to find my state.