I am rarely judgmental, but I do scowl, and shake my head slowly in disapproval whenever I see a vegan biting its nails.
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[planning heist]
leader: the security guard will take his break from 3:15 to 3:30 so that’s when you will-[notices my disapproving expression] what?
me: that’s when I take my break too tho
Interviewer: Have you worked in a fertility clinic before?
Me: No
[nervous because it’s my 1st interview]
Me: But I used to be an embryo
I don’t think fish should be allowed to eat other fish. idk. just seems weird. that’s like your coworker dude
me: I quit drugs to concentrate on rock climbing
him: nice what’s the highest you’ve been
me: I tried to kiss a goldfish
Horrifying if literal: a handbag
cops at DUI checkpoints should just check to see if u texted ur ex at some point throughout the night
[space shuttle]
Captain: prepare for landing
Me: roger that
C: reverse thrusters
M: sretsurht lol
C: lol
*we smash full speed into the moon*
Saw pine nuts at the store. I thought about getting some so I could make pesto. But I don’t believe that lie about myself
I think my house is possessed. My kid did everything I asked him to this morning. Without complaining.
Forget the wolf. I’m hungry like my cat when she hears any kind of container being opened.
the abolition of the 140 character limit and the advent of threads are responsible for the current state of this website. turned what was mostly cute little quips into constant insufferable bloviating posts like this one
If you’re bored and looking for something to do this weekend, a reminder that you should not start running for president
it’s finally my moment to shine
Me: Sometimes I like to relax under a shady tree and read a book.
Tree: THAT WAS MY SON!
*Seductively turns all your toilet tissue rolls the wrong way…
earth: *typing symptoms into webmd*
webmd: *breathes in sharply* why don’t you go ahead and have a seat
genie: you have 3 wishes
cat: i want to go out
genie: ok
cat: and back in again
genie: done
cat: and back out again
genie: ffs
Bros, I have a code-red bro alrert. My wife tried the lawn mower and now she knows it’s fun af. She wants to trade chores! Help me!
Podcasters who eat while recording: why do you hate your audience?
Why do meditation exercises always start by telling me to close my eyes? How am I gonna read the rest of the instructions?! 😆
If by “drink responsibly” you mean “buy the booze that’s on sale” then yes, I drink responsibly.
Scooby Doo was awesome because he would just shout his own name when things got exciting.
Organ harvesting really creeps me out, so I’m doing what I can to make mine unsalvageable.
I’m so confused when the TV voice before a show I’m about to watch says, “For mature audiences only.” Can I watch or not?
My kid saw everything that was going to be from Santa in my saved-for-later cart on Amazon, so now my options are to start Christmas shopping from scratch or to persuade my kid that Amazon works for Santa.
I should have peed before I left and other things I’ll never learn: A memoir
[Party]
HIM: Hi, I’m John.ME: Hey, I’m Andrew, with a “y”.
HIM: …Where’s the y?
OTHER PARTY GUEST FROM ACROSS THE ROOM: Ugh, why is Andrew here?!
ME: *Finger guns*
Me: He’s a great baby, just doesn’t really sleep much.
My baby, if he could talk: Whoa whoa whoa! I sleep! As long as you hold me while standing – facing north – sway at an even 37 sways per minute, while Israel Kamakawiwoʻole’s Over the Rainbow plays. Why is this so hard?
A movie so damn long that you’re called for a Covid booster shot halfway through it.
Tampax needs to extend the string to 2ft so I can hang myself with it every month.